intuition

This guest post from Sylvie Kirsch explores ancestral patterns via Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading as a way of shaping our wholehearted stories.

This is the eleventh guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors! 

Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, with each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.

I am honoured to have my dear friend Sylvie Kirsch as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. This story is a real treat, informed by deep life experience, Western and Buddhist psychology and art, and featuring Tarot Numerology as a way of exploring ancestral patterns and influences. My sincere thanks to Sylvie for sharing her personal story, photographs and unique influences. Sylvie also shares a special Tarot spread and invites us all to explore our own ancestral patterns in this way. With a focus on a Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading to explore the major events that have shaped her wholehearted story, read Sylvie’s heart-felt reflections to guide your own story!

Ancestral patterns in our lifespan: my wholehearted story

When we are born into a family, we enter a sphere of inherited cultural, traditional and societal dynamics that conditions our development throughout the lifespan. This sphere holds the seeds of all that will limit or nurture our lives. As we grow we become aware of a pre-established framework that defines our values, beliefs, choices, goals, relationships and especially our capacity to connect with the world.

My journey has been tightly woven into uncovering the ancestral paradoxes in my life. For 20 years I’ve been developing my own process through blending creativity and the intuitive exploration of the Tarot with the express intention of unravelling the complexity of my family situation.

How much of my life have I spent trying to understand and attribute some meaningful explanation for my broken parental links? How many of my choices have been driven by a need to heal this primal wound? How many times, stumped by my irrational responses, have I wondered why I did what I did, said what I said, and been unable to recognise the reflection in the mirror of my life?

Tarot Numerology as a tool to uncover ancestral patterns

Over time, my Tarot practice revealed several discrepancies between my choices and the assumptions and motivations that underpinned them. Intrigued by this, I deepened my exploration through training and was mentored by Katrina Wynne, author of An Introduction to Transformational Tarot Counseling: the High Art of Reading, an approach that integrates Jungian psychology, alchemy and counselling skills. This has become the backbone for developing my ideas in my work on Tarot Numerology, Genealogy and Family Dynamics.

The Tarot offers a non-judgemental stance towards what is playing out in a conflictual situation. We can become observers, able to uncover and acknowledge subconscious feelings, fears, and blockages without getting dragged down by them. Pieces that have been puzzling my life come together as I work on my family tree and explore relationships through genograms.

In the context of a genealogy reading, using the Tarot Major Arcana to represent family members provides me with archetypal clues I need to decipher their personality traits, talents, needs, strengths and vulnerabilities Guided by my studies in Family Systems and Constellation work I’m able to orientate my way through my ancestral map. However, a map is not the territory and my most precious guide in life has been my intuition. The Tarot’s gentle guidance tells what me what I’m capable of understanding, of changing and helps me discern what I cannot change and need to accept.

I want to share with you how I use a Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading to explore the major events that have shaped my wholehearted story. This reading emphasizes the quality and strength of bonds with my parents and grandparents and their impact throughout my life. It consists of a numerological calculation of five Major Arcana. As this reading is inspired by French Tarot tradition, I use versions of the Tarot de Marseilles, in this case, the Pierre Madenié 1709. I have prepared a simplified Lifespan Card Spread for you to work through if you wish; you may find it a useful reference as you read my story and reading. Click the image of the overall spread below for the Lifespan Card Spread pdf:

The 1st Arcane – The quandary of my life – XV LE DIABLE reversed

The XV Le Diable reversed speaks: Every experience, whether bitter or sweet, is an opportunity, a teaching moment.

XV LE DIABLE, The Devil, represents the endpoints of my lifespan. At the point of entry, the Devil is reversed but it is through integrating the energies of the other Arcanas that He will gradually straighten to become fully evolved. The Devil’s strategy is to lie and cheat. He abides always on a dual level that superimposes our most basic instincts with the deepest Karmic mysteries. If the Devil represents our delusions, addictions, lack of control over our desires, lack of discernment in our choices, his real plan for us is that we break free from all that binds us.

In the Tarot, the Devil is a gatekeeper of the spiritual world. His mission is to test our capacity to overcome our inner demons. By successfully crossing his threshold, we cast ourselves on our final journey towards spiritual fulfilment. As the 1st Arcane of this reading, the Devil reversed indicates the problematic nature of the inherited environment we are born into and also gives clues to what we need to work on to fulfil our life purpose.

Both having too many emotional issues of their own, neither my Father nor my Mother could be present for me when I was a baby and I was brought up by my grandparents. At the very first I drew comfort in being the apple of two pairs of eyes. However, there was a parenthesis to the integrity and quality of this bond which widened into a taboo which encompassed the subject of my parents. As my childhood consciousness opened, I became aware of the differences between my situation and that of my playmates. “I don’t know” very soon became an unsatisfactory answer to –“Where is your Mummy?” – “Where is your Daddy?”– “Are they dead?” My grandparents went into immediate lock-down when the subject was broached and the lack of answers created a void of doubt and shame within me.

In the XV Le Diable, there are two tethered little demons. They have their arms tied behind their backs. From a genealogical perspective, this represents secrets and lies hidden in the ancestry. I am not the beginning of this story; the lies and secrets began generations before I was born. My grandmother had a very controlling personality. When her expectations for her brilliant daughter’s future were disappointed, she projected these underlying motivations on me. I wonder what role she played in my mother’s flight and in her leaving me behind.

The shame and confusion of my young childhood mind was fertile soil for breeding disparaging self-beliefs such as inadequacy and stupidity. All these added to a general conviction of not being good enough.

There had to be something wrong with me to explain the disappointment which led my mother to leave. Instead of the security of being loved, it was a deep fear of being abandoned that irrigated my early childhood growth. In fear of being further abandoned by my grandmother, from childhood right through to my teens, I aligned my life choices to please her. From my artistic inclination and talent, she decided that I would become a great artist. I was sent to the Beaux Art in Paris. For the first time, I was free from my grandmother’s control and far too naïve to notice the Devil still reversed had laid his trap. I plunged and revelled in every mistake he presented me.

The 2nd Arcane –The initial honing – XVI LA MAISON DIEU

XVI La Maison Dieu speaks: It is at the core of your pain that you will find the seeds of your growth.

XVI La Maison Dieu, The Tower, is often perceived with the foreboding of some painful experience, which it can be, but, in spirit, this is a wake-up call for necessary change. It marks a separation, a point of no return. If properly integrated the teachings of the Tower represent a breakthrough that leads to growth and flourishing, if not they become an irrevocable breaking up. The Tower seeks to understand and dive into the depths of human experience. Even if it means sustaining some serious cuts and grazes, the Tower knows that true wisdom necessarily comes at a price.

With my propensity to go the whole hog, I staggered from one unwholesome choice to another. I fell madly in love, abandoned my studies to rush into an improbable marriage. In my delusion, I persuaded myself I could build a secure edifice out of the flotsam and jetsam from the maelstrom I was wallowing in to house my dream family. I thought myself pregnant with child, when in reality, I was pregnant with the father and mother I never had.

To a certain extent I did quite well at sustaining the illusion but the Devil was unimpressed. He decided the time was ripe for putting his Karmic plan into action. The core of my life was struck with brimstone and fire. The most brutal, what shattered me so absolutely into a billion pieces, was the loss of my daughter. It took several years before I could understand that these tiny shards of my self were in reality seeds.

The 3rd Arcane – From Darkness Rising – VII Le Chariot

VII Le Chariot speaks: The only thing that can stop you is doubt.

VII Le Chariot, The Chariot, is read both reversed and upright. In its unevolved position, The Chariot needs to harness and maintain a strong hold on the steeds, or else, aimlessly drifting, we lose all sense of direction and end up floundering in self-doubt, never able to reach out to the rich abundance promised in its upright position. From the Tower I fell in fragments and was buried deep into the depths of Sorrow. I drifted blindly through what felt like aeons of darkness. Then one day, my eyes grew accustomed to the night, I began to make out familiar forms, gain a sense of orientation, slowly, gingerly standing up and find my bearings. I saw lights in the distance, my sons, the steeds of The Chariot, come to my rescue.

Upright, The Chariot speaks of the organisation and structuring of identity, never static, always evolving and expanding. He is a Voyager in search of new encounters and broadening his experiences beyond the boundaries of preconceived ideas. It is yang energy that fuels the vitality to reach our goals. The Chariot guides me through the stages of defining a viable itinerary and reminds me that I need to clear the path of past debris before I can move
forward. This means clearly stating my motivations: am I a voyager or am I seeking an escape route? If this is a journey, what is my destination? If this an attempt to escape, what fear do I need to overcome?

The Chariot is about survival: not the fleeing type, the facing the danger and fighting it type. Here I am in my early 30’s. I need to take stock of my resources, make a list of my assets for building a new life, for my two boys and myself. The seeds shed so heartbreakingly in XVI La Maison Dieu are now germinating and taking root. I found an apartment we could afford within walking distance of perfect schools and parks. I had my own art studio and got back to my painting. My life is back on track. I have my first exhibition, a success. I meet the man of my life.

The 4th Arcane – My sphere of choice – VI L’Amoureux

VI L’Amoureux speaks: Know the difference between love and desire and the right choice will appear.

The fourth Arcane symbolises our evolving maturity. The trodden path along which our values and beliefs shift, change or strengthen. VI L’Amoureux, The Lovers, represents the crises that shake the foundations of what we uphold by bringing on the need to make a fundamental life-changing choice. In every choice, we simultaneously gain and lose
something significant in our lives. In every choice, something comes to life whilst another thing dies.

The question asked by The Lovers is: what am I prepared to lose in order to win? To develop and grow, we must be prepared to fly away from the safe nest of our childhood. Two entities (or are they the little devils in disguise?), guide the choices of The Lovers. The first is the capacity to discern the difference between our needs and wants. The second is the ability to identify what is within our sphere of choice and dependent on our power and what is not.

Choices always imply taking risks. Risks always engender consequences, even sacrifices, which call upon personal responsibility, the terra firma of maturation. The Beloved asked – Will you marry me? How I loved my life as it was! Yet, I yearned to live with my beloved. The boys were happy and thriving well in their schools. Why change? This is the dilemma of the VI The Lovers. The life-affirming decision that breaks the stasis so painstakingly reached. I set endless conditions for home, schools and art studio. My beloved accepted it all and waited patiently for me to answer.

In truth, there was that old fear of abandonment, lurking in the dark, ready to undermine any attempt to invest in a new relationship. This period of indecision lasted two years.

Above the figures in The Lovers, there is an Angel with bow and arrow extended, ready for Divine Intervention. There is no possibility of stepping around or evading the issue. As I dithered still, the arrow was shot. My youngest boy fell seriously ill and was hospitalized in emergency with suspected meningitis. The paternal presence we needed came from my Beloved who was supportive in every way possible during the three weeks my son was in hospital. The choice was clear. I opened my heart to this gorgeous man and never shut it since.

The 5th Arcane – The dynamics of doubt – X La Roue de Fortune

X La Roue de Fortune speaks: Steadfastness is the virtue of being present in perpetual change

How have the dynamics of doubt enabled the Devil to stand upright and shine strongly in the tapestry of my life? X La Roue de Fortune, X The Wheel of Fortune, speaks of our readiness to embrace the constantly changing dynamics of life. How many different versions of myself have I been throughout my lifespan?

Buddhism has brought me to understand that the sentient world is a constant cycle of birth, maturation and passing. There is nothing that I can grasp hold of to withstand the inevitability of change and the losses that it incurs. Going with the flow is the only way to survive the reality of this maelstrom. Read with the Upright Devil, the Wheel of Fortune provides a retrospective of the significant events that have marked or changed my life.

In my new wedlock, I flourished and so did the boys. We purchased an old farmstead which we converted into a home and created a sculpture garden and gallery. I ran the business, organised exhibitions in the gallery, several cultural and seasonal events in the garden that included concerts and theatre groups, in addition to facilitating art workshops for schools and groups. My husband and I created an international sculpture symposium in the nearby town. The sculpture garden became famous and featured in many magazines and media. We were in all the guidebooks. It was a success and I was good at it. It was as if everything I touched turned to gold…but all that glitters is not gold.

My golden life was punctuated by health problems which, in reality, masked episodes of depression: the Shadow, cyclic surges of past anguish that kept knocking me down. I was 40+ and exhausted by floundering in these patterns of despair. My body threw what it could at me to make me sit still, be quiet and listen to what desperately needed to be voiced.

There were three important events that set into motion the Wheel of Change. The first was when I encountered and embraced Buddhism, the second was when a friend introduced me to the Tarot and the third was when I discovered the work of Caroline and David Brazier and took up studies in Western and Buddhist psychology.

These encounters provided me with the tools to learn about the inner mechanisms of my being and behaving. I gradually gained an understanding of how my emotions and responses can be triggered by events contaminated by things projected from other than my own experience. I saw how my beliefs, values, and choices were conditioned from childhood by my family sphere, the cultural values and all the hidden agendas it upheld. How all of this determined my anxieties and fears, especially my capacity to connect wholeheartedly with the world. Yes, the fear was still there, lurking in the dark, ready to hold me back. I grasped hold of it and listened deeply while it emptied its cup.

XV Le Diable upright

XV Le Diable upright speaks: Neither tethered nor outcast but infinitely connected.

It was time to tackle things in earnest. With my Beloved in his 60s, my boys grown and pursuing journeys of their own, we cast off for other horizons in search of a peaceful haven to shelter our retirement. We found it in the Cook Islands where we embraced the multiple levels of this new culture. Today I have found a balance between investing my energy in my personal pursuits and offering to the community. I continue to study and expand my creative skills with the intent to share them with others. It’s nothing special, no higher state, just the congruence of a simple life that is rich in meaning.

As I write, I think of my father. He was an author and a poet, he loved music, art and read science fiction books, so do I. My mother, had a love for beauty and refinement, was always elegantly dressed and decorated her home with tasteful style that relinquished nothing to cosiness, and so do I. I spent much of my lifespan either reacting against or trying to resolve their dilemmas. Of course, I never could, but in the process I resolved my own.

The wholehearted journey weaves a tapestry of uneven colours where bright would not seem
so vivid without the darker tones.

Books that paved my path

Brazier, Caroline, Buddhist Psychology, Little, Brown Book Group, 2012.

Brazier, Caroline, Listening to the Other: A New Approach to Counselling and Listening Skills, O Books, 2009.

Brazier, Caroline, Other-Centred Therapy, O Books, 2009.

Brazier, David, Zen Therapy: A Buddhist Approach to Psychotherapy, Little, Brown Book Group, 2012. .

Brazier, David, The Feeling Buddha: A Buddhist Psychology of Character, Adversity and Passion, St. Martin’s Press, 2002.

Jette, Christine, Tarot Shadow Work: Using the Dark Symbols to Heal, A Practical Guide Series, Llewellyn Publications, 2000.

Jette, Christine, Tarot for the Healing Heart: Using Inner Wisdom to Heal Body and Mind, Llewellyn Publications, 2001

Johanson, Greg, and Ronald S. Kurtz, Grace Unfolding: Psychotherapy in the Spirit of Tao-Te Ching, Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale, 2011.

Manné, Joy, Family Constellations: A Practical Guide to Uncovering the Origins of Family Conflict, North Atlantic Books, 2012.

Wallin, David J., Attachment in Psychotherapy, Guilford Publications, 2007.

Weiss, Halko, Greg Johanson, and Lorena Monda, Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Somatic Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide to Theory and Practice, W. W. Norton, 2015.

Wynne, Katrina, An Introduction to Transformative Tarot Counseling: the High Art of Reading, Dancing Moon Press, 2012

About Sylvie Kirsch

Sylvie creates mixed media art and jewellery. She is also a mother, wife and crone. She has a passion for weaving together intuitive and creative processes such as Tarot, SoulCollage®, writing and art. After 15 years as creator and manager of a successful sculpture garden in France she and her husband, a sculptor, moved to Rarotonga to embrace the Cook Islands culture. Here she took up online studies in Buddhist and Western psychology. Today she balances her own artistic journey with running a stone carving business and voluntary support in the community through creative workshops and activities. You can visit her at thiscronesjourney.com 

Photographs of and by Sylvie Kirsch used with permission and thanks.

Read more Wholehearted Stories

If you enjoyed this wholehearted story, please share it with others to inspire their journey. You might enjoy these stories too:

When the inner voice calls, and calls again – my journey to wholehearted living

Maps to Self: my wholehearted story

The Journey to Write Here – my wholehearted story

Message from the middle – my wholehearted story

The journey of a lifetime – a wholehearted story

Gathering my lessons – a wholehearted story

Grief and pain can be our most important teachers – a wholehearted story

Breakdown to breakthrough – my wholehearted life

Embracing a creative life – a wholehearted story

Becoming who I really am – a wholehearted story

Finding my home – a wholehearted story

My wild soul is calling – a wholehearted story

Our heart always knows the way – a wholehearted story

How knowing your authentic heart can make you shine

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

You might also enjoy my free 94-page ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’ – all about wholehearted self-leadership, reading as creative influence and books to inspire your own journey. Just pop your email address in the box below. 

You will receive the ebook straight away! Plus you’ll receive monthly Beach Notes newsletters with updates and inspiring resources from Quiet Writing. This includes personality type, coaching, creativity, writing, tarot, productivity and ways to express your unique voice in the world.

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!