wholehearted stories Archives

Dancing all the way – or listening to our little voice as a guide for wholehearted living

February 11, 2019

This guest post from Olivia Sprinkel is a letter in response to Heidi Washburn’s wholehearted story: When the inner voice calls, and calls again.

I am so excited by Olivia’s response and the dance between ideas and readers she invites!

I welcome any other letter style responses to wholehearted stories here on Quiet Writing any time. You can find out more about wholehearted stories guest-posting here. The links for all the stories are at the end of this post. How wonderful that we can share our stories of wholehearted living and what it means. And respond to the experiences of others as we shape our own journey. It truly warms my heart!

Enjoy this beautiful dance of ideas and how Olivia responds to Heidi’s wholehearted story!

Dear Heidi,

I read your article ‘When the inner voice calls, and calls again – my journey to wholehearted living’. I immediately wanted to respond and say ‘thank you for writing’ – and also to share my own reflections in response. I am now that woman in my mid-forties in New York that you were 30 years ago, listening to the call of my inner voice to give up my corporate job and to live life with my whole heart. It was so reassuring to read your story, and know that you had the courage to listen to that voice and to create a wholehearted life for yourself. It provided confirmation that a different way of living than the conventional one that is presented to us is possible, if we choose to follow that path.

The best piece of advice my father gave me

Writing this now, I remember that my father always used to say “Listen to your little voice”. It was probably the best piece of advice he gave me. He used to tell the story of how he had enrolled in Berkeley, as that is where his father and mother had both gone. But when he got there, his little voice told him, ‘You want to go to Stanford’. And he went and knocked on the door of the Stanford admissions officer, and ended up graduating from Stanford.

You write of how your little voice spoke to you so clearly and powerfully. It can only speak clearly if we are tuned into the hearing of it – you were ready to hear it. I’ve had a couple of other occasions when my little voice has spoken to me and my ears and body have been open for the hearing of it. There have been other occasions when undoubtedly it has spoken to me, but I have blocked it out because I didn’t want to hear – and things haven’t turned out too well.

Taking responsibility for listening to the little voice

I didn’t feel as if I had any choice but to listen to the little voice that spoke to me to send me on this particular journey. When this voice spoke it was giving me the gift of a creative idea or a creative mission. It spoke to me and said ‘Write a book “A history of the future of the world in 12 trees”. Or 10.’ (It was giving me a little bit of wiggle room.) And why did I choose to act on this, to give up my job, my New York apartment, to pursue this journey? I think it was a combination of the clarity of the idea, and the clarity of my listening. I felt that I had been gifted this idea and it was my responsibility to act on it. Not to do so would be irresponsible – both to the idea and to myself. And I am in the position to do so, with no responsibilities of family to take care of.

And writing this now, I wonder, ‘who is behind that little voice?’ As writers, we often speak about ‘finding our authentic voice’. Is our little voice that authentic piece of us that we can hear when we are tuned to the right channel, when we have done that preparatory work, that opening? I’ve had my little voice speak to me – and I’ve listened – in yoga and when I am out in nature. That morning when the idea for my tree journey appeared, I was sitting at my desk, but I had spent the weekend immersed in the beautiful woods of the Catskills at Menla.

Elizabeth Gilbert has written of how ideas are gifted to us, and if we don’t declare an interest in them, they will move on to someone else. She writes in ‘Big Magic’ of how an idea she didn’t pursue then moved on to Ann Patchett, who did act on it, and wrote a book based on the idea. This suggests that there is something larger than us that is seeking to communicate with us – and which knows us well enough to make only appropriate suggestions. I am sure whole philosophy books have been written on the subject, and someone more well informed than me can answer that question. But perhaps that is the authenticity of wholehearted living – that we are open to receiving information from the ‘whole’, rather than from a limited subset of ourselves.

Stepping into the dance

It also reminds me of a dance. That when we open ourselves to the dance of life, then we can dance in step with the universe and be open to being led by her, and be twirled and occasionally flipped head over heels and still land gracefully. I’m reminded of the dancing metaphor as I used to have a blog in the form of letters that a friend and I would write back and forth to one another, pondering life’s questions. The title of the blog was ‘Dancing All the Way’, which we decided on as we doing a multi-day walk and we wanted to dance all the way of the walk. And then Terri’s theme for the year is ‘Dance’ – so perhaps this is just a small example of how the universe wants to dance with us.

Seeing your life story as a Hero’s Journey

It’s not an easy thing to follow your little voice, as you know. You write movingly with the example of your accountant of how we are not always ready to do that. I believe that the call to a wholehearted life really is a Hero’s Journey, as Joseph Campbell has described, and which is the foundation of great myths as well as our ordinary extraordinary lives. There is the call to action, and we can choose to act on it or not. And if we do choose to accept, there will be setbacks, there will be temptations to distract us along the way, we will need to overcome challenges. But if we persevere, we will come back with a gift to offer our community. Thinking about my own story in this way helps to give me perspective. It is also reassuring for me to know that this journey will be repeated many times on different timescales, as well as providing an overarching arc for our lives, if we are fortunate enough to live into an old age and be able to look back over the distance that we have travelled.

I am at the beginning of this next stage of my journey, heading out into the unknown. All I have is an idea, and a rough itinerary. And, hopefully, my little voice to continue to guide me and ears and heart to listen.

I wish you well as your journey continues.

With love

Olivia

About Olivia Sprinkel

Olivia Sprinkel is a sustainability strategy and communications consultant, writer and photographer. She has advised some of the world’s largest companies on sustainability strategy, and been based in both London and New York. She is also a writer of poetry and creative non-fiction, and a keen photographer. She is now embarking on writing a book which brings together her sustainability expertise and creative skills to tell stories of a changing climate and nature connection. You can connect with Oliva via Instagram and her website.

Photographs by Olivia Sprinkel and used with permission and thanks.

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Tackling trauma and ‘not enough’ with empathy and vision – a wholehearted story

January 30, 2019

This guest post from Maura McCarley Torkildson explores tackling trauma and feelings of “not enough” with tools of empathy and vision in her unfolding wholehearted story.

This is the 15th guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.

I am honoured to have Maura McCarley Torkildson as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. You might have seen my review of Maura’s book, The Inner Tree, all about intuition here on Quiet Writing. Maura and I have connected via our mutual interest and explorations into intuitive ways of working and being. In this story, Maura shares how a vision helps makes sense of intuitive, evolving life-long learning around tackling and calming trauma. Read Maura’s journey of working through trauma and feelings of “not enough’ with various tools that you can draw on too!

I met Mama Anaconda in a vision recently. What she showed me ultimately calmed my trauma. But I get ahead of myself…

The trauma of not enough

About a year ago, I realized that I had been steeping myself in “not enough.” I liberally doused myself with this tea in just about all areas of my life. I couldn’t see it. In my mind, this tea was the truth of my life – not enough money, not enough clients, not enough discipline, not enough experience, not enough recognition, and the list is endless.

Bullying and rejection from my peers in childhood formed painful memories and impacted my self-worth. Born whole, I became not enough. In many ways, I was a fortunate child, and yet rejection is one of the most hurtful experiences a human can face, belonging is so important to our well-being. A sensitive child, I was an easy target. Being teased and rejected hurt, a lot. Fast forward that into adulthood and my brain constantly looked for confirmation of rejection.

I am resilient, however, and determined. My focus on self-awareness and growth over the years meant that I worked these issues, sometimes inside and out. I sought therapy. I cultivated people who really cared about me. I worked with a mystic. I sat with trees. I cultivated presence awareness. I attended workshops and hired coaches. Sometimes I spent thousands of dollars. So how could I still be so stuck in the trauma, lack of self-worth and endless thoughts of not enough?

I wanted to be fixed. The underlying assumption was that I was never good enough, that belief an ingrained pattern in my brain. I overcame in one area of my life – only to find new areas to heal. One area healed…next, then next, then next? Truly it is wearying to feel the path to wholeness is never-ending.

Trauma and clairsentience – a fraught combination

I hadn’t realized how much I steeped myself in thoughts of not enough. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware of my pain – my gut twisted into knots, the intense forces constricting my heart, the pressure of tears behind my eyes at the slightest provocation. I am good at pushing through and denying. That method of coping perfected and served me quite well in earlier years. No, I wasn’t always in this state, but often enough to be worn down by it. Denial takes its toll. Secretly, I often wondered what was uniquely wrong with me.

I learned a thing or two over the years about what was “wrong” with me. One, I am an empath. Two, I have trauma.

As an empath (otherwise known as clairsentience) I am an extremely sensitive being. I feel deeply, and I have noticed the depth of my feeling often scares others. People shy away from my intensity. Furthermore, my body picks up on the feelings of others. It is a magnet for emotions.

I didn’t know about clairsentience until much later in life. I often felt confused about why I was feeling what I was feeling. Accused of wearing my feelings on my shoulders and judged for not being able to just move on, I hurt. I tried to hide my hurt unsuccessfully. I have the opposite a poker face. What was wrong with ME, I wondered. Our culture’s war on feelings left unquestioned as I learned I wasn’t supposed to be feeling so much. Feeling wasn’t rational. One had to buck up to be successful in life, showing and sharing feelings risked belonging.

The path to embracing my unique gifts and challenges

I finally figured out the clairsentience. Whew! What a relief to know it wasn’t all me. Being an empath is a gift and it is a challenge. The state of the world has high impact on this sensitive being. I grieve a lot and that grief can quickly transform into rage if I am not careful. I limit my access to news and stay vigilant about the direction of my thoughts. Thankfully I have learned many tools to manage both my emotions and sensitivity. I need protection.

I learned to embrace grief. Grief is the core feeling under all the challenging emotions, as they all have to do with loss. Embracing grief led to wisdom around what it means to be human. To be fully present to my emotions became grounding for me. I examine the physical manifestation of emotion and the emotion becomes guidance for my life. If things get unbearable, I tap (Emotional Freedom Tapping) and feel the energy release through the top of my head and shoulders.

Understanding trauma

I have trauma. We all have trauma. Understanding trauma is necessary for wholehearted living. I am not alone, nor is my trauma extreme. Trauma is not just the result of an injury or abuse on our body. Trauma is a reconfiguration of our nervous system. It is a pattern of hypervigilance and/or complete shutdown. It is avoidance of feelings that are overpowering and can be paralyzing.

My childhood experiences of rejection, repeated shifts in employment, toxic workplaces and financial insecurity are the root of my trauma. My brain actively looks for all the ways “not enough” shows up in my life. I became hypervigilant for “not enough,” especially after losing my job in 2012, struggling to find work in an atmosphere of ageism and trying to forge my path as a solopreneur. It all took its toll.

Trauma is our fear system gone wild. I learned that trauma gets stuck – or rather our nervous system gets stuck in these patterns and we can’t just think our way out of them. Contrary to popular sentiment – changing one’s mindset will not work unless trauma is addressed. Healing trauma can be accomplished most effectively through somatic techniques and therapies.

Becoming vigilant and shifting my consciousness

I remember the day I realized my brain was stuck, a day I almost charged another $2000 of debt, placing my hope in an external person to fix me. Fortunately, I asked for time to think about it. Setting down my phone after, I went to my oak tree in our backyard and prayed. An answer came – the realization I was steeping myself in not enough. At that moment, I finally understood no one could fix me. I needed to change from within.

I became vigilant about shifting my not enough habit. Every time not enough came up, I consciously stepped into gratitude. This practice helped me notice the good things – the abundance in my life – the beauty of my garden, the depth of my friendships, the way I somehow had just enough money to stay solvent. I built awareness of the nuances of feeling enough in my heart. Gratitude relieves the pressure of those forces which restrict my heart. It becomes feather-light and expansive.

Being conscious of gratitude is not enough to clear trauma, but it helps. Trauma gets entrenched. I needed to be vigilant. Some days were good, some not so much. Any disappointment threatened to knock me out of gratitude back into old habits. This is how trauma operates.

I used my tools – Presence Awareness, a practice which serves me by simply stopping any train of thought and rekindling my connection to Eternity and Love. When I get triggered, I reach out to friends. I found a tapping group and learned how to use tapping effectively. I discovered that tapping brought my trauma to the surface where I could see and acknowledge it, then release pent up feelings.

Vigilance is work. Tools require remembering to use them. I wished for flow. I wanted more.

Maura McCarley Torkildson

Recognizing the courage to be here

Bottom line, being human can be very challenging. We need stability and belonging. We need all those things Maslow identified on his triangle for reaching peak state. Those things are not guaranteed in this world. Loss hurts, it can be excruciating. We can easily become inured in a pattern of traumatized response to events in our life, sapping our natural joy.

And yet, I have experienced salvation so many times and so many ways. Salvation is the reminder that I am always whole, always nested in the Divine, no matter what happens here in 3D world.

The human in me struggles, will likely always struggle. I have great compassion for her. Discomfort IS the path to growth, our soul’s mission here. It’s not easy. I envision us as excited spirits descending into the womb for this experience of 3D life. Coming out of the womb a shock, as the realization of where we’ve landed hits. I imagine us screaming at God, the cries of the newborn, No…I want to go back home, but please don’t make me die to get there!

It takes great courage to be here. I think we all long for our home. The level of trauma on this planet has led us astray into perceived disconnection. I am not sure where it all began, but I am convinced it was born of trauma. Yet bliss is always right there beside us too, if only we remember to be present to it.

Enter Mama Anaconda

Mama Anaconda slithered into my visionary state. I dreamt of her a year before – an unforgettable dream that stuck with me. In that dream, she undulated her way into my bed, slid along one side of my body, around my head and down the other. I never felt frightened. I felt embraced. She made her home in my room. I knew she had chosen me for a reason. I knew I was hers.

Fast forward to my vision. Mama Anaconda arrived in technicolor vibrations matching the Digeridoo playing in the background. Surrounded by a vibrating rainbow of color, she slithered up a magnificent tree much like she had slithered along my body in my dream. Here in my vision, the reality of her more powerfully present.

Earlier in this same visionary state, I saw the structure of our lives crumbling, dissolving quickly around us. We are in the midst of collapse. I have known this for a while. This awareness is also a source of my trauma. My love for the beauty of this world and its creatures runs deep. I grieve each loss on our planetary scale extinction.

Messages from Mama Anaconda

To my grief, Anaconda said, “It is only the changing of skin,” then showed me the black viscous fluid of life force. Impossible to fully capture with words, this fluid always moves and is at the same time always completely still. A black void creating vibrating form along its edges, it makes crusts of light and color which grow and dissolve, expand and crumble as it vibrates outwards. It constantly creates a skin of light and then constantly breaks through it. I watch with awe and calm.

Next, she showed me insects and lizards shedding their skins. She showed me planets and galaxies forming and disintegrating. She said, “This is the way. Change, destruction is just a shedding of skin, nothing to be concerned about.”

I felt Her Love, I soak in it. Her love calms my trauma, soothes the grieving child in me. Creation is forever creating, and creation destroys as it creates. She exists always within everything. She is within us and we are within her. Form is ephemeral. She is eternal. I am eternal too if eternally changing.

My inner knowing is my faith. I forget to remember my faith from time to time. Salvation has come to me repeatedly in my life. Each time in different form, but always the same. I am steeped in Love, as are you.

Key book companions along the way

These are some resources that have supported me:

Daring Greatly – Brene Brown

Rising Strong – Brene Brown

The Spell of the Sensuous – David Abrams

The Body Keeps Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk

Bridging Heaven & Earth: A Return to The One – Leonard Jacobsen

Women in Praise of the Sacred – Jane Hirshfield (Editor)

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek – Annie Dillard

The Fall – Steve Taylor

Return of the Divine Sophia – Tricia McCannon

The Presence of the Past – Rupert Sheldrake

The Lens of Perceptions – Hal Zina Bennett

The Once & Future Goddess – Elinor Gadon

About Maura McCarley Torkildson

Maura McCarley Torkildson is an author, speaker, artist, intuitive and coach. She is the founder of Maura Torkildson Coaching and she supports clients to fully embody their intuition, embrace emotions as guidance for living and to overcome barriers to self-trust. From a place of self-trust, clients can create with abandon. Maura mentors clients through expressing their unique talents through writing, art or workbooks. She is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and has an M.A. in Women’s Spirituality from New College of California. Her artwork has been exhibited in both the U.S. and Malta. Find her at www.mauratorkildsoncoaching.com or on Facebook.

Photograph attribution as follows and used with permission and thanks.

Images 5, 8 – Maura McCarley Torkildson
Images 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 – Fotolia.com

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When the inner voice calls, and calls again – my journey to wholehearted living

December 18, 2018

This guest post from Heidi Washburn explores the call to respond to the inner voice over time as a path to the deepest of wholehearted journeys.

This is the 14th guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

I am honoured to have my friend Heidi Washburn as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. Heidi and I met in Hoi An, Vietnam at Kerstin Pilz’s writing and yoga retreat in September, 2018 and enjoyed a time of deep connection during that week. I invited Heidi to tell her wholehearted story here. Heidi reflects on a moment of career shift in her life when everything changed. She shares how the inner voice often calls again and again and listening to it is a practice that evolves through our lives. Read Heidi’s reflections on her journey of responding to calls from her inner voice in deeper ways, a journey that continues!

Sometimes life changes suddenly: discovering a secret, a hurricane, a birth or a death. Sometimes the change is more subtle, more gradual and instigated by internal signals. Those signals may manifest differently for each of us. The question is when and how do we listen? How do we respond? What challenges do we face once we admit a change is coming? What happens if we ignore the call?

Many times in my life I have pushed past my inner knowing, trying to fit into the accepted norm, frustrated that the norm didn’t feel right or I couldn’t seem to do it right. As hard as I tried I could not happily push past my instincts and join the crowd. It is only when I listen and respond that the whole of me is present and engaged. It is it something that I cannot always do on my own. This ride in wholehearted living requires a lot of support, a lot of losing and regaining momentum.

My life is an evolving ever-changing journey. This is about my major career shift in my mid-forties followed by recent reflections on a lifetime of learning to listen, respond and deepen.

Setting the scene

Let’s get some perspective. In the 80’s there was minimal internet. There were no smartphones, no blogs, no easily available GPS, no online support groups and we were just out of an era when corporations took care of their employees, often for life. Leaving a successful, lucrative career was an unusual move generating a lot of opinions and, dare I say, envy.

Let’s set the scene for the moment everything changed. One rainy fall night, I was driving home to Saugerties, New York from a late meeting in New Jersey, a good two and a half hours’ drive. Visibility was sparse and I had to strain to find my way out of the corporate complex in the dark, while squinting at the map on my lap. My eyes were heavy, it was a long day and I just wanted to get home.

I was ten years into my market research consulting business, I had back-up staff and my work was in demand. Hard work, constant traveling and late nights had paid off. Yet something was not right. I was losing touch with my family and friends because I was always out of town. The only love life I could fit in was an on-demand friend with benefits. I was having dizzy spells and anxiety attacks. My teenage daughter was home alone too many nights and I wasn’t on top of her struggles in life. My friends were making noises about an intervention for my “workaholic” problem.

What problem? I loved doing in-depth interviews, consolidating them into a meaningful story for my clients and giving advice in the boardroom. I found a way to be listened to in my profession if not in my personal life. My introverted self found a way to be out front as long as I had a role to play. The operative word here is ‘role’. More and more, it felt like a role that was not me. I was trying to stay in a shell that no longer fit or serviced me. At the same time, something deeper was emerging, but I was flying too high to notice.

The voice and the moment everything changed

Back to the rainy fall night. As I said, I just wanted to get home to my bed. As I pulled onto the familiar Garden State Parkway, the rain let up and I relaxed. Before I could turn on the radio for entertainment a voice in my head came on instead. A quiet, gentle but firm voice, not just a thought.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

What?

“I said! I don’t want to do this anymore.”

What do you mean? You have to. You just got the business where you want it. You have staff, an office and now you can do the more creative work. Isn’t that what you wanted?

That was the end of the conversation. Or so I thought.

After that night, after that very moment, everything changed but so quietly and slowly I hardly noticed. Of course, I was the one making the decisions. However, I didn’t know where I was going or what the path was. Deep change doesn’t come with a check-list or a schedule. And there is no guarantee that things will work out for the best.

Shifting to deeper awareness and action

First, I became aware that I pushed through the day without eating even though I constantly yearned for food. Why wasn’t I feeding myself? I went to a nutritionist weekly for three months to get better eating habits and basically learn to nurture myself.

I began bringing more and more things from my New York City apartment and office to my ‘weekend’ house in Saugerties. By the time I set up an office in the Saugerties basement, my NYC assistant asked: “Are you ever coming back?” And she got another job. She knew what was coming before I did.

I submerged myself in therapy and enrolled in singing lessons to open up my voice.

I wanted a more meaningful life and figured I should be able to find it in a couple of months. I was used to getting things under control.

Getting to know that inner voice

I had skills I enjoyed and that contributed to my success: creating a safe space for people to express themselves, drawing people out, deep listening, analyzing overall trends, presenting my ideas and writing. Maybe I would be a psychotherapist? I applied to two graduate schools in California, but before I heard from them my inner knowing led me another way. I started training in wholistic counseling, yoga and healthy lifestyle. I spent months at Kripalu, a yoga and meditation center. In between I still took on consulting projects to sustain my searching.

The inner voice grew stronger the more space and time I gave it. After chanting three days straight during a Kripalu one-month retreat, I sent out a prayer from a song by Linda Wooster: “Take these hands and turn them into light beams.” I still didn’t realize quite where I was going and how meaningful that prayer would be.

Finding my path as a somatic practitioner

I am a kinesthetic person. Formal psychology is too mental and structured for me. So, I went to massage school. Out of massage school I searched for a mind-body approach that worked for me. I was still taking occasional consulting jobs.

The months of transition turned into two years, reading, searching, training, experimenting, meditating, getting help from therapists, poking the fire for hours.

One day a massage therapist touched my head and moved my neck ever so slightly just for a couple of minutes. My whole body deeply let go. I felt safe, heard and known through her touch.

“What was that?!” I murmured through my bliss.

She told me it was Craniosacral Therapy. I wanted to do that work. I just knew it.

From there I began training in Craniosacral Therapy, a way to work with mind-body-emotions-spirit. I found my home but not yet a career. It took a couple of years before I had the confidence to practice. And to totally leave my business.

Meanwhile, I needed to live a simpler life and reduce expenses. I was happier, but much less affluent.

Clearing the way to live fully

On a sunny day in August, my beautiful Saugerties house was sold and I was moving one town over to a small two-bedroom rental in Woodstock, taking my cat and my new life with me. My old house was ready for its new owners, except for the bright red landline kitchen phone. Just as I was about to walk out the open front door for the last time, final items under my arm, the phone’s shrill ring echoed throughout the empty house. Even the answering service was disconnected, so I rushed back to answer it. An advertising company was calling me to see if I was available for a market research consulting job.

This will be a short call! Standing straight and with a clear voice I gave the answer for the first and last time.

“I don’t do that anymore.” That was it. I felt exhilarated.

I have been asked if I have ever regret leaving my consulting career. It was a good run and mostly I loved it. But I was learning that my sensitive system needed a gentler, more spacious environment. So, did I regret it? Not for a nanosecond. I have been asked, did I ever worry about making a living? Things get tight now and then and I do worry about a future when I can no longer work. The lifestyle I have chosen is short on long-term security. My practice goes up and down. I would like to create some kind of community living as I age, but as an introvert am not too skilled at groups. So, the future is uncertain. Yet, I would never change my decision. I chose to live fully instead of setting myself up for a less-than-wholehearted fate.

Reflections and new perspectives

I don’t really know what brings up that mysterious inner voice sending me one direction or another. Some people might call it guidance. All I know is that it is powerful when I listen. A year ago, I just knew I had to go to Vietnam, thinking it was about the war that impacted my generation and my life when my young husband went to fight. One step led to another and on a hot September day I arrived in Hoi An for Kerstin Pilz’s Write Your Journey Writing Retreat. At 75, I have reclaimed myself as a writer and reclaimed the story I need to tell. And another adventure begins.

My first draft of this piece included mention of my accountant for my consulting business. Stan would show up at my office and stare out the window as if he wanted to vaporize and pass though it.

“Oh,” he murmured, “how I would like to be a painter, but I have to work.”

Then, less than two years into our business relationship and in his mid-thirties, he had a heart attack and died. In my draft, I used this story to show how dangerous it is not to follow your heart, your dreams. But, I was being lofty, arrogant, and disrespectful to my accountant. It implied that we have control over our destiny if we just listen.

Meeting the unexpected with deeper insights

I put aside the first draft, let it sit for a while to see if it was really what I wanted to say. I thought a lot about listening to that inner voice. Asked friends how they knew when something is “right.” One looks for a sense of deepening and clarity, another a feeling in her gut and still another uses a pendulum. I learned that each person has their own unique way of listening. I thought I had the answer to controlling destiny. Tune into what is right for you and all will be revealed.

Then, I had a heart attack. It was mild as heart attacks go. It has a name: Takotsubo, also called Broken Heart Syndrome. Given my low blood pressure, lack of any artery blockage, perfect cholesterol, and lean body, the only explanation is stress. I meditate, eat a healthy diet, process emotions and enjoy my career as a craniosacral therapist. This shouldn’t happen to me. But it did.

My point is, who knows why my accountant had his heart attack. Or, maybe I didn’t have mine until I was 75 instead of 45 because at 45 I followed the calling to change my life. I am inspired to once again look deeply. How do I want to spend the remaining years? The inquiry is the path to aliveness. These days I am more and more excited about each day as I heal my broken heart.

What I have learned

I have learned:

that we can affect our quality of life in a big way, but not control it.
to embrace the precious qualities of being an empath and an introvert with creative talents and deep wisdom to share.
to step up my self-care, boundary setting and need for spaciousness to be present for the wonders and tragedies life throws my way.
to rest before I am exhausted.
to trust and be grateful for the amazing support system that comes to my aid when I am in trouble.
that I love to share through teaching and writing.
the sound of my inner voice when it calls.

And I am still learning.

Resources that have supported me

These are some resources that have supported me:

Hakomi: a Buddhist-centred wholistic counselling method

Psychosynthesis: a wholistic counselling method

Mindfulness/Insight meditation: Dharma.org has talks available for free

Upledger Institute: listings of craniosacral therapy practitioners around the world

Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy

Write Your Journey, Kerstin Pilz: upcoming meditation, yoga, writing retreat in Hoi An, Vietnam September 2019

Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health

The Empath’s Survival Guide, Judith Orloff

About Heidi Washburn

Heidi Washburn is a craniosacral and massage therapist, writer, practitioner of gentle yoga and insight meditation, friend, sister, aunt, great aunt, mother and cat lover. She specializes in working with other empaths and INFPs who do best in
a spacious, safe, gentle and mindful environment. Heidi has been practicing
bodywork for over 25 years with advanced clinical training and certification in Hakomi, Psychosynthesis, Upledger Craniosacral Therapy and Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy. More recently, Heidi has joyously immersed herself in the sacred art of writing. She is working on a memoir about secrets and how the truth liberates the unexpected. You can connect with Heidi via her website or email at washburn.heidi@gmail.com

Photograph attribution as follows and used with permission and thanks:

Images 1, 2, 3, 9 – Terri Connellan
Images 4, 5, 7 – Heidi Washburn
Image 6 – Pexels.com
Image 8 – Nigel Rowles
Bio portrait: Amber Roniger Photography

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!

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creativity wholehearted stories

Maps to Self: my Wholehearted Story

November 7, 2018

This guest post from Sylvia Barnowski explores how our maps to self can create the deepest of wholehearted journeys.

Sylvia Barnowski

This is the 13th guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

I am honoured to have my friend Sylvia Barnowski as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. Sylvia shares how experiences and influences in her life have led her to the concept of ‘maps to self’ as a valuable guide. This is a practice she cultivates and shares with others through her creative work and spiritual practices. Sylvia also weaves creative work that has been part of her self-discovery process through this piece. Read Sylvia’s reflections on her journey of discovering her maps to self to guide your story!

Sylvia is hosting a giveaway on the New Moon (7 November Northern Hemisphere time) on Instagram. The lucky winner will receive a 2019 Moon Mandala wall calendar. More details below at the bottom of the post.

The longer I live the more my story changes. Maybe because the story has so many layers, or maybe because everything looks different in hindsight. There was a time in my life that I thought I had found the answers to the deepest questions only to realise that even the best answers can change over time. So, the questions remained: who am I? what is life all about? why I am here? what is my purpose? how to live my life?

These questions never really leave me and as I move throughout the chapters of my life, they stay under my skin, settling comfortably in the chambers of my heart as they wait for the right moment to burst out onto the surface. As I move forward, all I am getting are the hints for the next step, my inner knowing is my compass and I realize that this is the way it always was, even when I thought I was stuck or lost. The answers and the maps were always within.

Secret destinations

Martin Buber wrote:

Every journey has a secret destination of which the traveler is unaware.

And with passing years his words resonate with me more and more. I don’t know my destination, and finally I see this as a part of the adventure not a curse. There was a time in my life that I was angry about this. I was jealous about other people’s straight paths, how they knew which direction to go, how they had their one thing that they were good at and were able to pour their energy and passion into it. They were able to create something, become someone, while I was always searching.

For years, I didn’t know who I was becoming. Even though I don’t like labels, I wished there was a way to describe me and what I will do “once I grow up”. I had too many interests and wasn’t willing to let go of most of them to choose only one. Unable to choose one way of living, I often felt fragmented and wanted to find a way to integrate the separated selves into a one neatly designed life. It was not until recently that I started to make peace with the way my life is turning out. Deep down, I still believe that one day things will make more sense, but I don’t fight with myself anymore, I’m learning to embrace who I am right now and trust the unfolding process. I’m learning to embrace my secret destination.

Expansion and change

I finished Fine Art school in Poland and worked as an artist and graphic designer at one of Krakow’s Cultural Centres. Even though I loved my work and the daily creative process, my soul wanted more. It was not enough for me to create; there was a part of me that needed to dive deeper. I applied to a Religious Studies program with the hope that learning about what each religion has to say about God will give me the answers not only to the question about the meaning of life but about God himself.

For the next five years I worked as an artist during the week and attended classes on weekends. I didn’t get the answers I was looking for, instead my mind opened to new concepts and I learned to see things in a new way. I learned about philosophy, psychology, sociology, mythology, cultural anthropology, and about all the religions of the world, starting with the primitive cultures and ending with the contemporary sects. I discovered the work of William James, Carl Gustav Jung, Joseph Campbell, Stanislav Grof, Mircea Eliade to name a few that made a huge impact on my understanding of myself and the world around me. I became fascinated with the mind, the unconscious, spiritual practices and experiences, I fell in love with the mystics, shamans and a few outcasts. I felt the expansion.

As Emerson pointed out

[t]he mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions

and that was exactly what happened to me during the time spent at the university. My mind stretched beyond what I thought was possible and I became deeply changed by this experience.

The next step to a new path

I never had a chance to find out what I would do when I finished my Master’s degree because as I was writing my Master’s thesis (about one of the outcasts), I met my husband. He was visiting Poland but he lived in Canada and I knew that the next step on my path was to move to the other side of the ocean with him. I packed two suitcases and took the three chapters of my master’s thesis with me and left Krakow to start the next chapter of my life in Calgary. I never finished my thesis realizing that the energy I would have to spend on writing it and going back to Poland would be better invested in my new life.

Even though it did seem like the fairy tale about the prince who arrived on a white horse and took me with him (and in many ways it still is), it did not mean that immigrating to a new country and starting my life over again at the age of thirty was a piece of cake. There are many lessons I learned over the last 15 years as an immigrant and then citizen of Canada; but two realizations stand out the most. I discovered my own resilience and I finally (just recently) recognized and acknowledged how lost I felt throughout all these years.

Looking for yourself in what you do

I often return to this poignant quote by Eckhart Tolle, because I see so much of myself in it. Tolle says:

[t]here’s nothing wrong with doing new things, pursuing activities, exploring new countries, meeting new people, acquiring knowledge and expertise, developing your physical or mental abilities, and creating whatever you’re called upon to create in this world. It is beautiful to create in this world, and there is always more that you can do. Now the question is, are you looking for yourself in what you do? Are you attempting to add more to who you think you are? Are you compulsively striving toward the next moment and the next and the next, hoping to find some sense of completion and fulfillment?

If I am honest with myself my answer is yes, I was looking for myself in pursuing all the achievements since my immigration. At the same time I felt I was following my inner compass every time I said “yes” to the opportunity for growth. Before I could figure out which direction I wanted to go in this new place, I had to learn English. As soon as I was able to write an academic essay in English, I applied to a Social Work program to kick off my Canadian education. At that time, I had already given birth to both of my children and when I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work my son was seven, my daughter five and I was almost 40 years old.

Learning and further expansion

Once I started the learning I couldn’t stop. Things and opportunities were lining up. As soon as I completed one thing, the next was waiting around the corner. I certified as an Embodied Awareness facilitator, became a Reiki Master-practitioner, trained in Expressive Arts Therapy, completed a Master’s Degree in Clinical Social Work, became a spiritual, life and energetic coach and shamanic practitioner. I’ve worked as a counselor, first at a shelter for abused women, then at a distress centre where I mostly worked with suicidal clients and people in crisis. I created a program for caregivers, and worked in hospitals with people with chronic and terminal illnesses in various outpatient clinics and in the emergency department where I still work today.

Finding time to create and trusting the path

Throughout all these years while concentrating on raising my children and achieving yet another goal, I still tried to find time to create. It was more like “stealing” time for something that was nourishing and making me feel alive. I often felt like I was living two parallel lives and even though they were feeding and complementing each other, one was always more visible than the other. I feel like I have arrived at the point, where I don’t want that separation anymore. The need for integration was always present but it is the first time in my life that the circumstances are allowing that integration to finally happen. It is a conscious striving to bring all the parts of who I am together.

I still don’t necessarily know where I am going. I still don’t see a clear path ahead of me but I learned to trust that the path will show up as I move forward. It always does. On the days that I forget, get frustrated or doubt I remind myself Joseph Campbell’s words:

If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.

I might not know exactly where the path will lead me but I found a few things that help me to stay on the right (for me) path. They became the practices that bring me back to myself: creative process, self-inquiry, and co-creating with life.

Creative process

Creative process is an integral part of my life. We are all creative beings even if we are unable to see and believe in it. Creating makes me feel alive, maybe because when I create “I” disappear. I do not create art; my work is about self-expression. My practice is intuitive. I am interested in the process of discovery, of finding out what will happen next on the paper or canvas. This is a process that requires trust, and it is so similar to the way I live my life now. In my work I often use self-portraits; it is not a sign of vanity but an intrinsic need to tell my own story and to witness who I am becoming.

Self-inquiry

Neale Donald Walsch wrote:

The deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. You are not discovering yourself but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out who you are, seek to determine what you want to be.

As much as I like this particular quote, I believe that in life there is a need for both: the discovery and the creation. I want to understand myself and my motives, and I want to face my fears. This is why self-inquiry and working with the unconscious is so important for me. Sometimes the understanding happens on an intuitive level and there are no words needed to explain the shift but I found writing to be a powerful outlet for this inner work practice. I am a fan of Jung who said:

who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.

Looking inside might not always be easy but I found it is always a rewarding experience.

Co-creating with life

In our society, we establish goals and make plans to achieve them. We often push ourselves to complete the task without paying attention to our true needs. For many years this is how I operated, like everyone I have been conditioned to act that way. It seemed that “pushing” had its benefits, it helped me to achieve a lot. But ultimately pushing too hard for too long manifested as an autoimmune disease in my body and that way of being in the world was no longer a viable option for me.

For the past few years, I intentionally paid attention to life seasons and cycles and learned the way of ebbs and flows. I started following the moon and watched as my life became a dance of co-creation. There are many ways to create and the ultimate way I found is to co-create with life. I am still working on balancing these two approaches as both – the masculine and feminine ways of being in the world – are needed.

There are definitely more things that I learned over the past 45 years of my life but these three practices became a way of bringing me back on the right track. As an empath, social worker and humanitarian, I am much attuned to other people’s needs, but I am finally learning to listen to my own needs as well. Lately, Howard Thurman’s words serve as my guide:

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

I’m working on it!

Giveaway!

Sylvia is hosting a giveaway on the New Moon (7 November Northern Hemisphere time) on Instagram. The lucky winner will receive a 2019 Moon Mandala wall calendar. This beautiful calendar was created by April Miller McMurtry from The Moon Is My Calendar and one of Sylvia’s mandalas is featured there. To participate, look for this picture on Sylvia’s Instagram fed and follow the instructions. Good Luck!

Important and inspiring books:

Creative Process

Art as Medicine – Shaun McNiff
Art is a Spiritual Path – Pat B. Allen
Art is a Way of Knowing – Pat B. Allen
Big Magic. Creative Living Beyond Fear – Elizabeth Gilbert
Maps to Ecstasy. A Healing Journey for the Untamed Spirit – Gabrielle Roth
The Art of Dreaming. Tools for Creative Dream Work – Jill Mellick
The Artist’s Way. A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity – Julia Cameron
The Courage to Create – Rollo May
The Creative Connection. Expressive Arts as Healing – Natalie Rogers
The Crossroads of Should and Must – Elle Luna
The Mandala Workbook. A Creative Guide for Self-Exploration, Balance, and Well-Being – Susanne F. Fincher
Trust the Process – Shaun McNiff
Wild Creative. Igniting Your Passion and Potential in Work, Home, and Life – Tami Lynn Kent

Writing

At a Journal Workshop. Writing Access the Power of the Unconscious and Evoke Creative Ability – Ira Progoff
Bird by Bird. Some Instructions on Writing and Life – Anne Lamott
Heal Yourself with Writing – Catherine Ann Jones
Life’s Companion. Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice – Christina Baldwin
Pain and Possibility. Writing Your Way Through Personal Crisis – Gabriele Rico
Poem Medicine. The Healing Art of Poem-Making – John Fox
Freeing Your Life with Words – Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge
Saved by a Poem. The Transformative Power of Words – Kim Rosen
The New Diary. How to Use a Journal for Self-Guidance and Expanded Creativity – Tristine Rainer
The War of Art. Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles – Steven Pressfield
Writing as a Path to Awakening. A Year to Becoming an Excellent Writer and Living an Awakened Life – Albert Flynn DeSilver
Writing from the Body. For Writers, Artists, and Dreamers Who Long to Free Their Voice – John Lee
Writing the Natural Way – Gabriele Rico
Writing to Awaken. A Journey of Truth, Transformation and Self-Discovery – Mark Matousek
Your Life as Story. Discovering the “New Autobiography” and Writing Memoir as Literature – Tristine Rainer

Self-Inquiry & Beyond

A New Earth. Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose – Eckhart Tolle
Anam Cara. A Book of Celtic Wisdom – John O’Donohue
Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness. A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal – Beth Hedva
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One – Joe Dispenza
Change Your Story, Change Your Life. Using Shamanic and Jungian Tools to Achieve Personal Transformation – Carl Greer
Embracing Our Selves. The Voice Dialogue Manual – Hal and Sidra Stone
Healing Our Deepest Wounds: The Holotropic Paradigm Shift – Stanislav Grof
How to Befriend Your Shadow. Welcoming Your Unloved Side – John Monbourquette
In Touch. How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself – John J. Prendergast
Inner Work. Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth – Robert A. Johnson
It Didn’t Start with You. How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and how to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn
Jung and Shamanism in Dialogue – C. Michael Smith
Jung on Active Imagination – ed. Joan Chodorow
Jung’s Maps of the Soul – Murray Stein
Knowing Your Shadow. Becoming Intimate with All That You Are – Robert Augustus Masters (CD)
Living Your Unlived Life. Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in the Second Half of Life – Robert A. Johnson, Jerry M. Ruhl
Meeting the Shadow. The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature – ed. Connie Zweig & Jeremiah Abrams
The New Science of Personal Transformation – Daniel J. Siegel
Mirrors of the Self. Archetypal Images That Shape Your Life – ed. Christine Downing
Radical Acceptance. Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha – Tara Brach
Shadow Dance. Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side – David Richo
Spiritual Bypassing. When Spirituality Disconnects Us from What Really Matters – Robert Augustus Masters
The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive when the World Overwhelms You – Elaine N. Aron
The Places that Scare You. A guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times – Pema Chodron
The Power of Focusing. A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing – Ann Weiser Cornell
The Power of Now. A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment – Eckhart Tolle
The Sacred and the Profane: The Nature of Religion – Mircea Eliade
The Tao of Psychology. Synchronicity and the Self – Jen Shinoda Bolen
The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature – William James
Women Who Run with the Wolves. Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

About Sylvia Barnowski

Sylvia Barnowski MSW, RSW is a mixed-media artist, a social worker trained in Expressive Arts Therapy, an embodied awareness facilitator, a life coach, and a shamanic practitioner. Sylvia currently works part time as a social worker in a busy hospital Emergency Department where she provides counselling, support and resources to patients and their families going through difficult times in their lives. When not at work Sylvia spends her time on creating, reading, and developing creative and personal growth classes and workshops. She lives in Cochrane, Alberta with her husband, two wonderful children and a cat named Silver. You can connect with Sylvia on Instagram or by visiting her website, Maps to Self.

Photographs and artwork by Sylvia Barnowski and used with permission and thanks.

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!

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wholehearted stories writing

The journey to write here—my wholehearted story

August 30, 2018

This guest post from Penelope Love explores how following our deepest calling as writers can shape the journey of our wholehearted stories.

Write at home, Asheville, 2018

This is the twelfth guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, with each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.

I am honoured to have my friend Penelope Love as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. Penelope explores writing as a deep calling shaping her journey over time. She describes how her writing life has intersected with love and spirituality as key themes in her life. My sincere thanks to Penelope for sharing her personal story and photographs as well as the books and vital practices that have influenced her journey. With her new book – a memoir, ‘Wake Up in Love: From Sex and Romance to the Ultimate Understanding’ – imminent, read Penelope’s reflections on knowing your calling, writing and love to guide your story!

Beginning my journey to write here

To write or not to write was never the question.

My love for writing was born of sheer enchantment with the dance of my elfin fingers and a No. 2 pencil pressed against the bumpy margins of a newspaper left strewn across the kitchen table. Whilst my mother washed dishes, I perfected my letters… slowly, slowly carving out my name. I tingled as the life force pierced my body and brain. Waving a pink-tipped golden wand, I witnessed the alphabet come to life before me… oh, t’was magical!

A rainbow of writing accolades soon spanned my horizon. As early as my elementary years, the parents and relatives branded me “the writer in the family,” their New York accents spinning legends of a little girl who would traject this gift across the world.

As I approached high school graduation, my father often spoke of his friend’s daughter who made a living as a writer. In fact, she earned six figures and was even flown around the globe with her happy pen in hand. Imagine that! I did indeed—first-class flights to Rome, Paris, Strasbourg, Johannesburg, Tokyo, Perth, and Calgary, not to mention being lavished with more money than one could ever need, just because a girl could write?!

Write about what?

Write in the clouds, 2017

Write about what? I didn’t know, but the question of her subject matter never crossed my thirsty teenage mind. I just wanted her life in the azure sky, miles above the clouds and close to the shimmering sun. In no time, I’d be like her—rich, self-sufficient, and far away from people who expected miracles from me.

It was the mid-1990s when I entered the university with a typewriter in hand and later departed with a laptop bag draped over my shoulder. In four short years, the new-fangled digital tools of the trade had literally changed our world and most importantly for me, the way this English major now wrote. Possessing a “delete” key, I lost countless writings to self-doubt, and even more to lack of remembering to hit Control + S. The fluorescent palette of Windows 95 proved a more addictive drug for a perfectionist than any erasable pen. It was too easy to tweak e-scribblings that never seemed quite good enough. The brave new world was now here and I was not sure I wanted to be a writer anymore.

Despite my uncertainty, I could not shake my writer crush on Alice Walker—her novels, poetry, essays, activism and how she effortlessly transformed rage into beauty that inspired social change through her poignant words. With this level of mastery as my barometer, I pursued a master’s degree in English, though to expand my career opportunities I eventually phased over to the college of journalism. Focused first and foremost on getting “published,” writing seemed far from the mystical endeavor I’d fallen in love with as a child.

Then it happened. As I formulated my thesis, I discovered that I no longer enjoyed writing. Yet I sure was in love with the professors who taught it. To my chagrin, my finest writings never extended into the realms of passion I fantasized about. Writing? Huh. Why expose my soul before teachers who just left my heart bleeding overnight while they went home to their lives, of which I had none? Why torture myself when I was deft enough at this craft to instruct others on how to do it? Why write if I could swap my black pen for a red one and wear silky scarves and blouses, sexy skirts, stilettos, and tortoise-shell glasses? I mean, why write if I could be an editor!

Writer in hiding

Writer in reflection, 2018

By the late ‘90s, the U.S. economy had exploded during the .com craze—so much in fact that some corporations were even paying the lowly interns—yes, me! Here my lucky star landed me an editorial apprenticeship in the personal finance and lifestyle department of the prestigious Bankrate.com. I had recently married a business student and I was acquiring a taste for the freedom that came with earning my own paycheck. I was not flying high yet, but I’d circumnavigated my existence as a puppet dangled by parents who had kept me mostly in the dark about all things financial. As fate and good fortune would have it, my Bankrate internship enriched me with both income and invaluable knowledge.

Following graduation, my then-husband and I moved north to pursue our dreams of working in the Big Apple—Manhattan! I dressed the part and perhaps imagined that even the pigeons stared as I sauntered down Fifth Avenue as an editorial assistant. Within three weeks the Twin Towers came crashing down, along with my fantasies about commuting to the city and wielding my editorial prowess in New York. Since I was actually residing in safer haven of nearby Princeton, New Jersey, I stayed put and soared up the corporate ladder, so high that I didn’t even bother keeping a diary over the next five years. Too busy had I become for my own words when so many people were counting on me to perfect theirs.

Falling back in love with writing

When life led me back to Florida in 2003, it was the stress of destructive family dynamics and an impending divorce that led me to an Al-Anon meeting, where the facilitator urged me to crack open my journal again. She was right—I needed to know if I could still hear my own voice beneath the deafening volume of all the mental noise I’d let in over the years. The higher up the corporate ladder I scaled, the more it felt tilted 180 degrees away from the happiness, inner peace and deep healing I desired more than anything in the world.

Dear Emptiness, 2003

This may sound fantastical but when I re-opened my diary, her empty lines smiled as if happy to see me, their old friend. She embraced my every tear, question, and hopeful new conception of reality bubbling up from my long-silenced heart. I confess, my journal entries reflected the soul of a woman consumed by primal desires for true love and red hot sex. Yet as I returned to the joys of pressing my pen to paper, I experienced an inkling of falling back in love with writing.

The proper care and feeding of writers

Loving a man and loving writing were ultimately not two separate things, although I’d fallen into a discordant thought-pattern of either-or:

Either I could pursue my writing career or I could care for a man, but not both.

Such a black-and-white attitude sounds imprudently restrictive now, but this worldview was branded into the layers of my soul since birth. My mother lived as if it were her sole responsibility to care for my father and for us children. The notion that I could gallivant about the globe as a writer—although it had been dangled before me like candy—conflicted with other familial attitudes I was forced to swallow regarding about “the proper care and feeding of husbands.” Could I ever balance true love, a nourishing sex life, and a successful writing career? This clash of seemingly incompatible desires and my utter lack of control to manifest them catapulted me onto the spiritual path with full surrender.

It was 2004 and the spiritual teacher to whom I was led was a jnani in the lineage of Ramana Maharshi. Nick Gancitano disseminated Self-Inquiry as the spiritual director of an ashram in Florida, where I attended Satsang for the first time. My earnest desire for inner peace was met with a revelation of karmic destiny, as Nick became my lover and we were married within two weeks of our first meeting. Our sex life unfolded as an intuitive exploration of the ancient ways of Tantra. Here I found that with an authentic state of surrender, true love was not only possible—it was inevitable, transforming sex into a meditation that trumped my most exquisite erotic fantasies.

To top it all off, during the course of this adventure, I discovered something truly worth writing about. Scribble down insights I did, vowing that one day, once the tender fragments in my journals had been laced into a manuscript reflecting my heart’s knowing, I would publish it. And I would come out as a writer.

Write from the Heart, India 2004

Morning Pages and the journey to write

As quickly as I moved into the ashram, my spiritual practice deepened and creativity flowed now with greater frequency. I’d hopped off the corporate ladder and went freelance, consciously reducing my workload toward a deep dive into the inner life. Yet despite my newfound time freedom, I only wrote in spurts. As much as I respected my daytime profession, my heart knew that an editor is actually just a writer in denial. In 2007, I expressed my frustration to a Satsang friend, a prolific fashion designer whose overstuffed sketch book I admired. She recommended Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, wherein I discovered the Morning Pages that would leave ink stains on my hands and a mark on my life.

Between 2007 and 2010, I folded my freelance business when the ashram relocated to Costa Rica. There amidst the cloud forest I exercised the Morning Pages with the intention of writing my book. I invited Nick to write these Morning Pages with me, and within six weeks a full-fledged, 280-page manuscript busted the seams of his notebook. And once again, I found an excuse to avoid writing as I turned creative attention toward the development and publishing of the book that had come through him and not me.

Write into nature, our Morning Pages view in Costa Rica, 2008-10

Patterns emerging in the journey to write here

This provided me an opportunity to observe a pattern as destructive as avoidance—blame: It was now my husband’s fault that I’m not a writer. When we returned to the States in 2010, it seemed that years of energy were required to re-establish myself as a freelance editor and eventually form my own successful publishing company. In the intermittent creases of successive projects, I finally returned to the Morning Pages in 2013 and the past patterns of avoidance and blame resurfaced only to unwind before my very eyes.

Soul mates in the sun, Hillsboro Beach, 2011

Initially, past learned behavior of putting what I perceived as my husband’s needs before my own re-emerged fiercely. I hadn’t chosen the worldly path of self-sufficiency; I’d chosen love, the inward path of Self-Inquiry, and reliance on God to care for all my needs. For weeks, months and years at a time, I foolishly convinced myself that the Morning Pages were incompatible with the teachings of Self-Inquiry—for if the world is an illusion, then why write? And I couldn’t have the mornings free anyway, because if I didn’t snuggle and meditate with Nick first thing, would I be sinfully putting my personal desires before love?

But that was all in my head. Nick became the biggest advocate of my relationship with the Morning Pages and with time and flexibility, I discovered it was possible to experience the holy trinity of writing, snuggling and meditation in my morning routine. In a way, I owe my forthcoming memoir to Love in the shape of Morning Pages. Here is an excerpt from them as testimony to the brilliance of this tool that intimately reacquainted my soul with its calling—the mysticism and magic of writing.

Love looks me in the ‘I’, 2018

Write here in my Morning Pages

It’s happening again. I hear my husband’s voice in the other room and my senses latch on to his every word and I blame him that I can’t find a quiet space to write—which is ridiculous because I might as well blame the iPod speaker on the bookshelf. Yet it does not have the same magnetic pull as Nick in his sentience, his unpredictability, his wisdom, his love. Aha! Look. Curiosity about what he is up to has once again (almost) drawn me away from this sacred whitespace where all complaints dissolve and contradictions resolve before my eyes.

Now I’m perfectly capable of closing the door and inserting the earplugs in an effort to be “more” present, but isn’t the point of Morning Pages shedding that thick skin called “effort” by writing through any and all distractions? Why am I here in the first place? Writing is just the excuse. I am here to remember what matters, to let go of what does not, and to write like no one else is reading it. In Reality, I am not even here to write. I am here to Be, to be naked of all sense of other… and paradoxically, that makes me a better writer and a more gracious lover.

The writing is flowing now (The Savegre River in our backyard, 2008-10)

When Steven Pressfield, talking with Oprah on SuperSoul Sunday, affirmed that everyone knows their “calling,” even if only carried as a secret in their heart, I could not deny my intuitive first response: writing!

What exactly pulled my attention so far from it all these years? I actually don’t like or dislike the act of writing. It is after all—just like when I practiced my letters at the kitchen table—just a happening. What I don’t enjoy is “the resistance,” the feeling that arises from expecting myself to express profundity. The one with these great expectations is the same imposter saying “I don’t enjoy it”! Yet it can’t stop the ink flow onto paper, the fingers dancing on a keyboard, and the characters appearing on the screen, revealing the contours of God.

It is wonderfully fulfilling to write the Morning Pages. Thank heavens for them. They are therapy. Like the perfect friend, they listen without criticism. If a judgment arises, they gently remind me it is my own. And now that it no longer hides, it cannot rule my life from underground. It can be seen for what it is: just another thought. Just another stone on the trail. One I can now pick up and skip across the still ocean, or prance across to reach the other side of the raging river. Either way, it no longer blocks the path and the beauty of my mind.

I am a writer — yes, I am!

My hand my Heart doth steer

universes beyond these words

my journey to write here.

Key books along my journey to write here

Be Still and Know I AM God by Anonymous

The Wisdom of Balsekar by Ramesh Balsekar

The Impersonal Life by Joseph Benner

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Spiritual Teachings of Ramana Maharshi (Foreword by C.J. Jung)

The Book of Secrets by OSHO

OSHO Zen Tarot: The Transcended Game of Zen

Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Hsin-Hsin Ming: Verses on the Faith-Mind by Seng-t’san

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

The Supreme Yoga: Yoga Vasishta by Swami Venkatesananda

Anything We Love Can Be Saved: A Writer’s Activism by Alice Walker

My Life as My Self: An Intimate Conversation with Alice Walker (by Sounds True)

and…

“Four Questions to Help You Find Your Calling,” Steven Pressfield’s interview with Oprah Winfrey on SuperSoul Sunday, September 29, 2013

About Penelope Love

Penelope Love, MA, is the author of the spiritual memoir Wake Up in Love and the founder of Citrine Publishing. She also co-facilitates conscious relationship workshops and hosts meditation programs in the United States and internationally. An advocate for true love, she enjoys connecting with readers from around the world. Come say hello at www.PenelopeLove.com or connect via Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest or Twitter.

Photographs by Penelope Love and Arlington Smith used with permission and thanks.

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

You will receive the ebook straight away! Plus you’ll receive monthly Beach Notes newsletters with updates and inspiring resources from Quiet Writing. This includes writing, personality type, coaching, creativity, tarot, productivity and ways to express your unique voice in the world.

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!

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family history intuition wholehearted stories

Ancestral patterns, Tarot Numerology and breaking through: My wholehearted story

July 31, 2018

This guest post from Sylvie Kirsch explores ancestral patterns via Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading as a way of shaping our wholehearted stories.

This is the eleventh guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

I am honoured to have my dear friend Sylvie Kirsch as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. This story is a real treat, informed by deep life experience, Western and Buddhist psychology and art, and featuring Tarot Numerology as a way of exploring ancestral patterns and influences. My sincere thanks to Sylvie for sharing her personal story, photographs and unique influences. Sylvie also shares a special Tarot spread and invites us all to explore our own ancestral patterns in this way. With a focus on a Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading to explore the major events that have shaped her wholehearted story, read Sylvie’s heart-felt reflections to guide your own story!

Ancestral patterns in our lifespan: my wholehearted story

When we are born into a family, we enter a sphere of inherited cultural, traditional and societal dynamics that conditions our development throughout the lifespan. This sphere holds the seeds of all that will limit or nurture our lives. As we grow we become aware of a pre-established framework that defines our values, beliefs, choices, goals, relationships and especially our capacity to connect with the world.

My journey has been tightly woven into uncovering the ancestral paradoxes in my life. For 20 years I’ve been developing my own process through blending creativity and the intuitive exploration of the Tarot with the express intention of unravelling the complexity of my family situation.

How much of my life have I spent trying to understand and attribute some meaningful explanation for my broken parental links? How many of my choices have been driven by a need to heal this primal wound? How many times, stumped by my irrational responses, have I wondered why I did what I did, said what I said, and been unable to recognise the reflection in the mirror of my life?

Tarot Numerology as a tool to uncover ancestral patterns

Over time, my Tarot practice revealed several discrepancies between my choices and the assumptions and motivations that underpinned them. Intrigued by this, I deepened my exploration through training and was mentored by Katrina Wynne, author of An Introduction to Transformational Tarot Counseling: the High Art of Reading, an approach that integrates Jungian psychology, alchemy and counselling skills. This has become the backbone for developing my ideas in my work on Tarot Numerology, Genealogy and Family Dynamics.

The Tarot offers a non-judgemental stance towards what is playing out in a conflictual situation. We can become observers, able to uncover and acknowledge subconscious feelings, fears, and blockages without getting dragged down by them. Pieces that have been puzzling my life come together as I work on my family tree and explore relationships through genograms.

In the context of a genealogy reading, using the Tarot Major Arcana to represent family members provides me with archetypal clues I need to decipher their personality traits, talents, needs, strengths and vulnerabilities Guided by my studies in Family Systems and Constellation work I’m able to orientate my way through my ancestral map. However, a map is not the territory and my most precious guide in life has been my intuition. The Tarot’s gentle guidance tells what me what I’m capable of understanding, of changing and helps me discern what I cannot change and need to accept.

I want to share with you how I use a Tarot Numerology Lifespan Reading to explore the major events that have shaped my wholehearted story. This reading emphasizes the quality and strength of bonds with my parents and grandparents and their impact throughout my life. It consists of a numerological calculation of five Major Arcana. As this reading is inspired by French Tarot tradition, I use versions of the Tarot de Marseilles, in this case, the Pierre Madenié 1709. I have prepared a simplified Lifespan Card Spread for you to work through if you wish; you may find it a useful reference as you read my story and reading. Click the image of the overall spread below for the Lifespan Card Spread pdf:

The 1st Arcane – The quandary of my life – XV LE DIABLE reversed

The XV Le Diable reversed speaks: Every experience, whether bitter or sweet, is an opportunity, a teaching moment.

XV LE DIABLE, The Devil, represents the endpoints of my lifespan. At the point of entry, the Devil is reversed but it is through integrating the energies of the other Arcanas that He will gradually straighten to become fully evolved. The Devil’s strategy is to lie and cheat. He abides always on a dual level that superimposes our most basic instincts with the deepest Karmic mysteries. If the Devil represents our delusions, addictions, lack of control over our desires, lack of discernment in our choices, his real plan for us is that we break free from all that binds us.

In the Tarot, the Devil is a gatekeeper of the spiritual world. His mission is to test our capacity to overcome our inner demons. By successfully crossing his threshold, we cast ourselves on our final journey towards spiritual fulfilment. As the 1st Arcane of this reading, the Devil reversed indicates the problematic nature of the inherited environment we are born into and also gives clues to what we need to work on to fulfil our life purpose.

Both having too many emotional issues of their own, neither my Father nor my Mother could be present for me when I was a baby and I was brought up by my grandparents. At the very first I drew comfort in being the apple of two pairs of eyes. However, there was a parenthesis to the integrity and quality of this bond which widened into a taboo which encompassed the subject of my parents. As my childhood consciousness opened, I became aware of the differences between my situation and that of my playmates. “I don’t know” very soon became an unsatisfactory answer to –“Where is your Mummy?” – “Where is your Daddy?”– “Are they dead?” My grandparents went into immediate lock-down when the subject was broached and the lack of answers created a void of doubt and shame within me.

In the XV Le Diable, there are two tethered little demons. They have their arms tied behind their backs. From a genealogical perspective, this represents secrets and lies hidden in the ancestry. I am not the beginning of this story; the lies and secrets began generations before I was born. My grandmother had a very controlling personality. When her expectations for her brilliant daughter’s future were disappointed, she projected these underlying motivations on me. I wonder what role she played in my mother’s flight and in her leaving me behind.

The shame and confusion of my young childhood mind was fertile soil for breeding disparaging self-beliefs such as inadequacy and stupidity. All these added to a general conviction of not being good enough.

There had to be something wrong with me to explain the disappointment which led my mother to leave. Instead of the security of being loved, it was a deep fear of being abandoned that irrigated my early childhood growth. In fear of being further abandoned by my grandmother, from childhood right through to my teens, I aligned my life choices to please her. From my artistic inclination and talent, she decided that I would become a great artist. I was sent to the Beaux Art in Paris. For the first time, I was free from my grandmother’s control and far too naïve to notice the Devil still reversed had laid his trap. I plunged and revelled in every mistake he presented me.

The 2nd Arcane –The initial honing – XVI LA MAISON DIEU

XVI La Maison Dieu speaks: It is at the core of your pain that you will find the seeds of your growth.

XVI La Maison Dieu, The Tower, is often perceived with the foreboding of some painful experience, which it can be, but, in spirit, this is a wake-up call for necessary change. It marks a separation, a point of no return. If properly integrated the teachings of the Tower represent a breakthrough that leads to growth and flourishing, if not they become an irrevocable breaking up. The Tower seeks to understand and dive into the depths of human experience. Even if it means sustaining some serious cuts and grazes, the Tower knows that true wisdom necessarily comes at a price.

With my propensity to go the whole hog, I staggered from one unwholesome choice to another. I fell madly in love, abandoned my studies to rush into an improbable marriage. In my delusion, I persuaded myself I could build a secure edifice out of the flotsam and jetsam from the maelstrom I was wallowing in to house my dream family. I thought myself pregnant with child, when in reality, I was pregnant with the father and mother I never had.

To a certain extent I did quite well at sustaining the illusion but the Devil was unimpressed. He decided the time was ripe for putting his Karmic plan into action. The core of my life was struck with brimstone and fire. The most brutal, what shattered me so absolutely into a billion pieces, was the loss of my daughter. It took several years before I could understand that these tiny shards of my self were in reality seeds.

The 3rd Arcane – From Darkness Rising – VII Le Chariot

VII Le Chariot speaks: The only thing that can stop you is doubt.

VII Le Chariot, The Chariot, is read both reversed and upright. In its unevolved position, The Chariot needs to harness and maintain a strong hold on the steeds, or else, aimlessly drifting, we lose all sense of direction and end up floundering in self-doubt, never able to reach out to the rich abundance promised in its upright position. From the Tower I fell in fragments and was buried deep into the depths of Sorrow. I drifted blindly through what felt like aeons of darkness. Then one day, my eyes grew accustomed to the night, I began to make out familiar forms, gain a sense of orientation, slowly, gingerly standing up and find my bearings. I saw lights in the distance, my sons, the steeds of The Chariot, come to my rescue.

Upright, The Chariot speaks of the organisation and structuring of identity, never static, always evolving and expanding. He is a Voyager in search of new encounters and broadening his experiences beyond the boundaries of preconceived ideas. It is yang energy that fuels the vitality to reach our goals. The Chariot guides me through the stages of defining a viable itinerary and reminds me that I need to clear the path of past debris before I can move
forward. This means clearly stating my motivations: am I a voyager or am I seeking an escape route? If this is a journey, what is my destination? If this an attempt to escape, what fear do I need to overcome?

The Chariot is about survival: not the fleeing type, the facing the danger and fighting it type. Here I am in my early 30’s. I need to take stock of my resources, make a list of my assets for building a new life, for my two boys and myself. The seeds shed so heartbreakingly in XVI La Maison Dieu are now germinating and taking root. I found an apartment we could afford within walking distance of perfect schools and parks. I had my own art studio and got back to my painting. My life is back on track. I have my first exhibition, a success. I meet the man of my life.

The 4th Arcane – My sphere of choice – VI L’Amoureux

VI L’Amoureux speaks: Know the difference between love and desire and the right choice will appear.

The fourth Arcane symbolises our evolving maturity. The trodden path along which our values and beliefs shift, change or strengthen. VI L’Amoureux, The Lovers, represents the crises that shake the foundations of what we uphold by bringing on the need to make a fundamental life-changing choice. In every choice, we simultaneously gain and lose
something significant in our lives. In every choice, something comes to life whilst another thing dies.

The question asked by The Lovers is: what am I prepared to lose in order to win? To develop and grow, we must be prepared to fly away from the safe nest of our childhood. Two entities (or are they the little devils in disguise?), guide the choices of The Lovers. The first is the capacity to discern the difference between our needs and wants. The second is the ability to identify what is within our sphere of choice and dependent on our power and what is not.

Choices always imply taking risks. Risks always engender consequences, even sacrifices, which call upon personal responsibility, the terra firma of maturation. The Beloved asked – Will you marry me? How I loved my life as it was! Yet, I yearned to live with my beloved. The boys were happy and thriving well in their schools. Why change? This is the dilemma of the VI The Lovers. The life-affirming decision that breaks the stasis so painstakingly reached. I set endless conditions for home, schools and art studio. My beloved accepted it all and waited patiently for me to answer.

In truth, there was that old fear of abandonment, lurking in the dark, ready to undermine any attempt to invest in a new relationship. This period of indecision lasted two years.

Above the figures in The Lovers, there is an Angel with bow and arrow extended, ready for Divine Intervention. There is no possibility of stepping around or evading the issue. As I dithered still, the arrow was shot. My youngest boy fell seriously ill and was hospitalized in emergency with suspected meningitis. The paternal presence we needed came from my Beloved who was supportive in every way possible during the three weeks my son was in hospital. The choice was clear. I opened my heart to this gorgeous man and never shut it since.

The 5th Arcane – The dynamics of doubt – X La Roue de Fortune

X La Roue de Fortune speaks: Steadfastness is the virtue of being present in perpetual change

How have the dynamics of doubt enabled the Devil to stand upright and shine strongly in the tapestry of my life? X La Roue de Fortune, X The Wheel of Fortune, speaks of our readiness to embrace the constantly changing dynamics of life. How many different versions of myself have I been throughout my lifespan?

Buddhism has brought me to understand that the sentient world is a constant cycle of birth, maturation and passing. There is nothing that I can grasp hold of to withstand the inevitability of change and the losses that it incurs. Going with the flow is the only way to survive the reality of this maelstrom. Read with the Upright Devil, the Wheel of Fortune provides a retrospective of the significant events that have marked or changed my life.

In my new wedlock, I flourished and so did the boys. We purchased an old farmstead which we converted into a home and created a sculpture garden and gallery. I ran the business, organised exhibitions in the gallery, several cultural and seasonal events in the garden that included concerts and theatre groups, in addition to facilitating art workshops for schools and groups. My husband and I created an international sculpture symposium in the nearby town. The sculpture garden became famous and featured in many magazines and media. We were in all the guidebooks. It was a success and I was good at it. It was as if everything I touched turned to gold…but all that glitters is not gold.

My golden life was punctuated by health problems which, in reality, masked episodes of depression: the Shadow, cyclic surges of past anguish that kept knocking me down. I was 40+ and exhausted by floundering in these patterns of despair. My body threw what it could at me to make me sit still, be quiet and listen to what desperately needed to be voiced.

There were three important events that set into motion the Wheel of Change. The first was when I encountered and embraced Buddhism, the second was when a friend introduced me to the Tarot and the third was when I discovered the work of Caroline and David Brazier and took up studies in Western and Buddhist psychology.

These encounters provided me with the tools to learn about the inner mechanisms of my being and behaving. I gradually gained an understanding of how my emotions and responses can be triggered by events contaminated by things projected from other than my own experience. I saw how my beliefs, values, and choices were conditioned from childhood by my family sphere, the cultural values and all the hidden agendas it upheld. How all of this determined my anxieties and fears, especially my capacity to connect wholeheartedly with the world. Yes, the fear was still there, lurking in the dark, ready to hold me back. I grasped hold of it and listened deeply while it emptied its cup.

XV Le Diable upright

XV Le Diable upright speaks: Neither tethered nor outcast but infinitely connected.

It was time to tackle things in earnest. With my Beloved in his 60s, my boys grown and pursuing journeys of their own, we cast off for other horizons in search of a peaceful haven to shelter our retirement. We found it in the Cook Islands where we embraced the multiple levels of this new culture. Today I have found a balance between investing my energy in my personal pursuits and offering to the community. I continue to study and expand my creative skills with the intent to share them with others. It’s nothing special, no higher state, just the congruence of a simple life that is rich in meaning.

As I write, I think of my father. He was an author and a poet, he loved music, art and read science fiction books, so do I. My mother, had a love for beauty and refinement, was always elegantly dressed and decorated her home with tasteful style that relinquished nothing to cosiness, and so do I. I spent much of my lifespan either reacting against or trying to resolve their dilemmas. Of course, I never could, but in the process I resolved my own.

The wholehearted journey weaves a tapestry of uneven colours where bright would not seem
so vivid without the darker tones.

Books that paved my path

Brazier, Caroline, Buddhist Psychology, Little, Brown Book Group, 2012.

Brazier, Caroline, Listening to the Other: A New Approach to Counselling and Listening Skills, O Books, 2009.

Brazier, Caroline, Other-Centred Therapy, O Books, 2009.

Brazier, David, Zen Therapy: A Buddhist Approach to Psychotherapy, Little, Brown Book Group, 2012. .

Brazier, David, The Feeling Buddha: A Buddhist Psychology of Character, Adversity and Passion, St. Martin’s Press, 2002.

Jette, Christine, Tarot Shadow Work: Using the Dark Symbols to Heal, A Practical Guide Series, Llewellyn Publications, 2000.

Jette, Christine, Tarot for the Healing Heart: Using Inner Wisdom to Heal Body and Mind, Llewellyn Publications, 2001

Johanson, Greg, and Ronald S. Kurtz, Grace Unfolding: Psychotherapy in the Spirit of Tao-Te Ching, Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale, 2011.

Manné, Joy, Family Constellations: A Practical Guide to Uncovering the Origins of Family Conflict, North Atlantic Books, 2012.

Wallin, David J., Attachment in Psychotherapy, Guilford Publications, 2007.

Weiss, Halko, Greg Johanson, and Lorena Monda, Hakomi Mindfulness-Centered Somatic Psychotherapy: A Comprehensive Guide to Theory and Practice, W. W. Norton, 2015.

Wynne, Katrina, An Introduction to Transformative Tarot Counseling: the High Art of Reading, Dancing Moon Press, 2012

About Sylvie Kirsch

Sylvie creates mixed media art and jewellery. She is also a mother, wife and crone. She has a passion for weaving together intuitive and creative processes such as Tarot, SoulCollage®, writing and art. After 15 years as creator and manager of a successful sculpture garden in France she and her husband, a sculptor, moved to Rarotonga to embrace the Cook Islands culture. Here she took up online studies in Buddhist and Western psychology. Today she balances her own artistic journey with running a stone carving business and voluntary support in the community through creative workshops and activities. You can visit her at thiscronesjourney.com

Photographs of and by Sylvie Kirsch used with permission and thanks.

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

You will receive the ebook straight away! Plus you’ll receive monthly Beach Notes newsletters with updates and inspiring resources from Quiet Writing. This includes personality type, coaching, creativity, writing, tarot, productivity and ways to express your unique voice in the world.

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!

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Ancestral patterns in our lifespan: my wholehearted story

Tarot Numerology as a tool to uncover ancestral patterns

The 1st Arcane – The quandary of my life – XV LE DIABLE reversed

The 2nd Arcane –The initial honing – XVI LA MAISON DIEU

The 3rd Arcane – From Darkness Rising – VII Le Chariot

The 4th Arcane – My sphere of choice – VI L’Amoureux

The 5th Arcane – The dynamics of doubt – X La Roue de Fortune

XV Le Diable upright

Books that paved my path

About Sylvie Kirsch

Read more Wholehearted Stories

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’