This guest post from Valerie Lewis shows how learning to listen to the silent whispers of our mind can help us shift from feeling fragmented to more wholehearted living.
This is the 23rd guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here–the invitation is open.
Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.
I’m honoured to have Valerie Lewis as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. Valerie and I met when she joined me as a coaching client in the Sacred Creative Collective. In this story, Valerie shares how tragic life circumstances affected her so deeply. And how she moved through grief and feeling fragmented to connecting the pieces of herself through listening within. Thank you for sharing your story, Valerie.
The Silent Whispers of my Mind – Journeying from fragmented to wholehearted
My only child was killed at the age of seven. Amongst the shock and disbelief of what had happened and feeling as if I had been thrust into some horrific, unimaginable nightmare, as the days and months passed by, my mind felt so jumbled and filled with chatter. One minute my mind would tell me I couldn’t cope or I didn’t know how to think or couldn’t think straight. Sometimes at night when all was silent around me, my mind would tell me it was all a very bad dream and tomorrow I would wake up and my life would be as it was before and back to normal.
There was one time, though, when a voice, which seemed different and to come from a deeper place within my head and upper body emitting a warmth and calmness which I temporarily felt (as it spoke), assured me I would get through this. Afterwards, I was to wonder if I had actually had this thought or not because I couldn’t determine whether the voice that had spoken was in my head or outside of it.
Life can be scary
We all get scared and want to turn away, but it isn’t always strength that makes you stay. Strength is also making the decision to change your destiny.
~ Zoraida Córdova
During this painfully surreal time, I had a lot of decisions to make, some minor and many major, and there were practical tasks to be attended to. Some of my biggest decisions revolved around the fact that I was no longer who I used to be. Indeed, who was I now? I can look back and realise that the voice within my head, you know, the one I said felt as if it came from a deeper place within me, the whispering voice that was calm, matter-of-factly and assuring, really came to the fore (not sure why—maybe I was just more sensitive and receptive), and guided me in some of my decision-making (such as the decision to file for divorce and also officially change back to my maiden surname).
Of course, sometimes it was a battle, as the internal monologue was overwhelming. It was as if diverse thoughts vied for attention. Thoughts of the past, thoughts about the present, thoughts about the future that could have, should have been and thoughts about a future that I couldn’t really define, visualise or even fantasise about. Fear and an overwhelming sadness were predominant emotions during that time. But there was also a strong will to make it through that existed within me as I embarked on my journey to discover who I now was and the eventual decision to move away and create a new life for myself in another city. I was not to know then that my ‘journey’ was a journey of self-leadership and would involve so much discovering and learning.
A fragmented life
There were times when I felt too scared to look ahead to the future. The future I had envisaged and had been working towards was now a shattered dream. Many of the tangibles in my life were no longer there in the form I had previously known them – my husband (was committed to a secure hospital for the manslaughter under diminished responsibility of our daughter, and diagnosed as schizophrenic), my daughter, our home, our car, even our cat Smokey – our relationship was now different as he was ‘adopted’ by an aunt and uncle and was no longer ‘my cat’ as such. Even the non-tangibles – routine and familiarity were now changed.
I no longer felt whole. I and my life were fragmented, with many of the pieces, like a jigsaw, now no longer there. Would I ever wake up one day and my heart not hurt so much? And would I someday feel happy again, and how was it even possible for a human being to shed so many tears? Would I ever become a whole person again and when would it happen – next month, next year, in five, ten years or never? How would I know, how would I feel then?
Feeling my feelings
When I said I didn’t know how to move forward, not necessarily in a practical sense, but in the way I felt and dealt with my feelings, someone suggested to just take each day as it came. It made sense to me. Instinct told me that to survive, I had to go through what I had to go through. I had to feel the feelings I felt. There was no other way if I wanted to remain sane. I would get through this. The calm, matter-of-factly voice had whispered that one time to me. No matter what the other voices said, I needed to hold on to these particular words and the lesson I was learning, that it is best to not ignore feelings (emotional states).
Somehow, we have to find ways to go through them. Sure, we can try to circumvent them, but feelings are pretty tenacious and can be quite slippery. They can sneak back into our minds and bodies and cause us to remain stuck with hurt and grief or to become ill.
One book, gifted to me by a dear friend in 1988, ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’, by the now deceased Susan Jeffers was perhaps the first ‘self-help’ book I devoured as I sought guidance on how to deal with my inner fears and confront and cope with life’s challenges.
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them—that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
~ Lao Tzu
The silent whispers of my mind—my inner wise Sage
It was some years later that I really grasped and understood that my silent whisperer, the one that stood out (and still does) as differing from the other whisperers, was my intuition. This developed during the late ’90’s and early noughties. I became familiar with energy healing (namely Reiki); explored astrology, colour therapy, crystals, tarot and oracle cards; embraced creativity and journaling; and read many more self-help/personal development books. I also gained a better understanding of my personality as an introvert and thus my natural inclination to go within to seek answers and understand the world and my existence within it. Personal development classes with someone I now look back on as a mentor type figure, and also some spiritual development classes also helped to integrate this realisation.
My calm, silent whisperer does not repeat their initial message – they say it once. Sometimes they don’t even speak. I just have a deep sense of ‘knowing’, or some might say, ‘a calling’, a feeling which seems to fill my upper body. This is unlike the everyday mind chatter or internal monologue that goes on in our head. That calm whispered message or deep sense of ‘knowing’ can occur ages before I’m in a position to act on it. This is to the point that as time goes by, I start to question if it really happened because the other voices have started to interfere and jostle to make their point of view known and dissuade me, or life gets in the way.
Trusting the silent whisperer
I trusted the silent whisperer’s message without question a couple of years or so after when I met the person who is my partner now and moved in with him, after being hesitant about sharing a home with someone. Another example is from 2014, when I felt called to track down and contact the woman whose personal development classes I’d attended over 10 years previously. I was pleased that although now retired and not actively marketing her services, she was happy to work on a one-to-one basis with me providing directional support and using guided meditation to reconnect with my inner self.
Follow the tugs that come from the heart. I think that everyone gets these gentle urges and should listen to them. Even if they sound totally insane, they may be worth going with.
~ Victoria Moran
I’ve trusted the messages of the silent whisperer when it has seemed to make sense, but sometimes the scenario that plays out makes little sense. Life has presented me with more challenges and no clear route on that path. I’ve had to learn (AND am still learning) to trust that in time (maybe even many years later), the road would become clear, things fall into place and the initial messages would make sense.
Who am I?
I can’t remember why or how I came to purchase my first deck (Rider Waite). Or the book that I also purchased the year before my 40th birthday and spent many hours studying (Principles of Tarot by Evelyne and Terry Donaldson) still on my quest to discover more about myself and journey towards becoming whole and less fragmented. Evelyne and Terry say that “it is not so much what is ‘in the cards’, as what we ourselves are able to see in them”. Also that ‘the Tarot is really a set of windows through which we can look at life from a different perspective.’ Two of my favourite cards are the High Priestess and Empress – archetypes which I feel represent my inner and outer self.
High Priestess
The High Priestess is the Goddess within. She is the feminine principle, the Yin, the receptive side. She represents the intuition. She shows us the path to realisation is reached by overcoming our own self-doubts, and by listening more trustingly to our own feelings and intuitions.
Empress
The Empress teaches us how to love. It is love that makes our lives unfold and grow. As opposed to the High Priestess, the Empress represents the physical (tangible) world. The Empress is there to show us how we can learn about emotions and feelings through self-expression.
Extracted from the ‘Principles of Tarot’ book
Self-expression and intuition
I feel more whole but keep on growing and becoming even more whole. For a good while, intuitive abstract painting has intrigued me and, a couple of years ago I decided to give it a go. The painting above ‘Floating’ reflects the words of the below quote and combines, for me, the two tarot archetypes:
In this life, your so called ordinary life, you must be rooted; and in your inner space, in the spiritual life, you must be weightless and flying, flowing and floating.
~ Rajneesh
Below is ‘Pink Haze’. She serves as a reminder that our life issues are rarely a monochrome black or white. What is in between those two colours, especially in times of transition, if we learn to listen to our intuition, can inspire and guide us onto a path that is true to who we are being/becoming and to living a life that is wholehearted and authentic.
My experience has shown me it is not always a straightforward path. There may be a circling back, dips, curves, stumbling blocks and so forth as we journey along this path we call life. The truth is, we are all born with intuitive abilities. We use intuition (hear those silent whispers or feel it within our bodies) every day of our lives, some more than others, but often we might be unaware of having done so.
Through perhaps fear, listening to the many voices (inner critic or ego), we ‘rationalise’ or dismiss what we have intuited. It often becomes easier to turn to others for help and guidance. But ultimately—the answers we seek are within us—and we already know what we need to do (even if we think we don’t)—to live life with a mind and soul more wholehearted and less fragmented.
Key book companions along the way
Just a few of the many books that have made an impact on me and my journey:
Feel the Fear (And Do It Anyway)—Susan Jeffers (1987)
The Successful Self (Freeing Our Hidden Inner Strengths)—Dorothy Rowe (1988)
Principles of Tarot—Evelyne and Terry Donaldson (1996)
The Magic Path of Intuition—Florence Scovel Shinn (2013)
The Artists Way—Julia Cameron (1992)
Tune In (Let Your Intuition Guide You to Fulfilment And Flow)—Sonia Choquette (2013) extract free with Spirit and Destiny Magazine
Healing Grief (Reclaiming Life After Any Loss)—James Van Praagh (2000)
Love is in The Earth (A Kaleidoscope of Crystals)—Melody (1995)
I am Diva (Every Woman’s Guide to Outrageous Living)—Elena Bates, Maureen O’Crean, Molly Thompson, Carilyn Vaile (1999)
Inspiration Sandwich (Stories to Inspire our Creative Freedom)—Sark (1992)
About Valerie Lewis
Valerie Lewis is a multipassionate 60plus pro ager. Through grief coaching and personal growth facilitation, she supports and empowers those who are lost and confused with the direction they want to take following a significant life event that has impacted them and their sense of self. Her interests include being an intuitive reader, Reiki and crystals practitioner and avid creative dabbler.
You can connect with Valerie at her website Visualise and Bloom or via Instagram @visualiseandbloom You can also read an interview with Valerie on her transition journey.
Photographs by Valerie Lewis, used with permission and thanks.
Read more Wholehearted Stories
If you enjoyed this wholehearted story, please share it with others to inspire their journey. You might enjoy these stories too:
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Lusciously Nurtured – a wholehearted interview with Dawne Gowrie Zetterstrom
Learning to live on the slow path and love the little things that light me up
Year of magic, year of sadness – a wholehearted story
From halfhearted to wholehearted living – my journey
The courageous magic of a life unlived – a wholehearted story
Dancing all the way – or listening to our little voice as a guide for wholehearted living
Tackling trauma and “not enough” with empathy and vision – a wholehearted story
When the inner voice calls, and calls again – my journey to wholehearted living
Maps to Self: my wholehearted story
The Journey to Write Here – my wholehearted story
Ancestral Patterns, Tarot Numerology and breaking through – my wholehearted story
Message from the middle – my wholehearted story
The journey of a lifetime – a wholehearted story
Gathering my lessons – a wholehearted story
Grief and pain can be our most important teachers – a wholehearted story
Breakdown to breakthrough – my wholehearted life
Embracing a creative life – a wholehearted story
Becoming who I really am – a wholehearted story
Finding my home – a wholehearted story
My wild soul is calling – a wholehearted story
Our heart always knows the way – a wholehearted story
How knowing your authentic heart can make you shine
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