Maura McCarley Torkildson Archives

Tackling trauma and ‘not enough’ with empathy and vision – a wholehearted story

January 30, 2019

This guest post from Maura McCarley Torkildson explores tackling trauma and feelings of “not enough” with tools of empathy and vision in her unfolding wholehearted story.

This is the 15th guest post in our Wholehearted Stories series on Quiet Writing! I invited readers to consider submitting a guest post on their wholehearted story. You can read more here – and I’m still keen for more contributors!

Quiet Writing celebrates self-leadership in wholehearted living and writing, career and creativity. This community of voices, each of us telling our own story of what wholehearted living means, is a valuable and central part of this space. In this way, we can all feel connected on our various journeys and not feel so alone. Whilst there will always be unique differences, there are commonalities that we can all learn from and share to support each other.

I am honoured to have Maura McCarley Torkildson as a ‘Wholehearted Stories’ contributor. You might have seen my review of Maura’s book, The Inner Tree, all about intuition here on Quiet Writing. Maura and I have connected via our mutual interest and explorations into intuitive ways of working and being. In this story, Maura shares how a vision helps makes sense of intuitive, evolving life-long learning around tackling and calming trauma. Read Maura’s journey of working through trauma and feelings of “not enough’ with various tools that you can draw on too!

I met Mama Anaconda in a vision recently. What she showed me ultimately calmed my trauma. But I get ahead of myself…

The trauma of not enough

About a year ago, I realized that I had been steeping myself in “not enough.” I liberally doused myself with this tea in just about all areas of my life. I couldn’t see it. In my mind, this tea was the truth of my life – not enough money, not enough clients, not enough discipline, not enough experience, not enough recognition, and the list is endless.

Bullying and rejection from my peers in childhood formed painful memories and impacted my self-worth. Born whole, I became not enough. In many ways, I was a fortunate child, and yet rejection is one of the most hurtful experiences a human can face, belonging is so important to our well-being. A sensitive child, I was an easy target. Being teased and rejected hurt, a lot. Fast forward that into adulthood and my brain constantly looked for confirmation of rejection.

I am resilient, however, and determined. My focus on self-awareness and growth over the years meant that I worked these issues, sometimes inside and out. I sought therapy. I cultivated people who really cared about me. I worked with a mystic. I sat with trees. I cultivated presence awareness. I attended workshops and hired coaches. Sometimes I spent thousands of dollars. So how could I still be so stuck in the trauma, lack of self-worth and endless thoughts of not enough?

I wanted to be fixed. The underlying assumption was that I was never good enough, that belief an ingrained pattern in my brain. I overcame in one area of my life – only to find new areas to heal. One area healed…next, then next, then next? Truly it is wearying to feel the path to wholeness is never-ending.

Trauma and clairsentience – a fraught combination

I hadn’t realized how much I steeped myself in thoughts of not enough. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware of my pain – my gut twisted into knots, the intense forces constricting my heart, the pressure of tears behind my eyes at the slightest provocation. I am good at pushing through and denying. That method of coping perfected and served me quite well in earlier years. No, I wasn’t always in this state, but often enough to be worn down by it. Denial takes its toll. Secretly, I often wondered what was uniquely wrong with me.

I learned a thing or two over the years about what was “wrong” with me. One, I am an empath. Two, I have trauma.

As an empath (otherwise known as clairsentience) I am an extremely sensitive being. I feel deeply, and I have noticed the depth of my feeling often scares others. People shy away from my intensity. Furthermore, my body picks up on the feelings of others. It is a magnet for emotions.

I didn’t know about clairsentience until much later in life. I often felt confused about why I was feeling what I was feeling. Accused of wearing my feelings on my shoulders and judged for not being able to just move on, I hurt. I tried to hide my hurt unsuccessfully. I have the opposite a poker face. What was wrong with ME, I wondered. Our culture’s war on feelings left unquestioned as I learned I wasn’t supposed to be feeling so much. Feeling wasn’t rational. One had to buck up to be successful in life, showing and sharing feelings risked belonging.

The path to embracing my unique gifts and challenges

I finally figured out the clairsentience. Whew! What a relief to know it wasn’t all me. Being an empath is a gift and it is a challenge. The state of the world has high impact on this sensitive being. I grieve a lot and that grief can quickly transform into rage if I am not careful. I limit my access to news and stay vigilant about the direction of my thoughts. Thankfully I have learned many tools to manage both my emotions and sensitivity. I need protection.

I learned to embrace grief. Grief is the core feeling under all the challenging emotions, as they all have to do with loss. Embracing grief led to wisdom around what it means to be human. To be fully present to my emotions became grounding for me. I examine the physical manifestation of emotion and the emotion becomes guidance for my life. If things get unbearable, I tap (Emotional Freedom Tapping) and feel the energy release through the top of my head and shoulders.

Understanding trauma

I have trauma. We all have trauma. Understanding trauma is necessary for wholehearted living. I am not alone, nor is my trauma extreme. Trauma is not just the result of an injury or abuse on our body. Trauma is a reconfiguration of our nervous system. It is a pattern of hypervigilance and/or complete shutdown. It is avoidance of feelings that are overpowering and can be paralyzing.

My childhood experiences of rejection, repeated shifts in employment, toxic workplaces and financial insecurity are the root of my trauma. My brain actively looks for all the ways “not enough” shows up in my life. I became hypervigilant for “not enough,” especially after losing my job in 2012, struggling to find work in an atmosphere of ageism and trying to forge my path as a solopreneur. It all took its toll.

Trauma is our fear system gone wild. I learned that trauma gets stuck – or rather our nervous system gets stuck in these patterns and we can’t just think our way out of them. Contrary to popular sentiment – changing one’s mindset will not work unless trauma is addressed. Healing trauma can be accomplished most effectively through somatic techniques and therapies.

Becoming vigilant and shifting my consciousness

I remember the day I realized my brain was stuck, a day I almost charged another $2000 of debt, placing my hope in an external person to fix me. Fortunately, I asked for time to think about it. Setting down my phone after, I went to my oak tree in our backyard and prayed. An answer came – the realization I was steeping myself in not enough. At that moment, I finally understood no one could fix me. I needed to change from within.

I became vigilant about shifting my not enough habit. Every time not enough came up, I consciously stepped into gratitude. This practice helped me notice the good things – the abundance in my life – the beauty of my garden, the depth of my friendships, the way I somehow had just enough money to stay solvent. I built awareness of the nuances of feeling enough in my heart. Gratitude relieves the pressure of those forces which restrict my heart. It becomes feather-light and expansive.

Being conscious of gratitude is not enough to clear trauma, but it helps. Trauma gets entrenched. I needed to be vigilant. Some days were good, some not so much. Any disappointment threatened to knock me out of gratitude back into old habits. This is how trauma operates.

I used my tools – Presence Awareness, a practice which serves me by simply stopping any train of thought and rekindling my connection to Eternity and Love. When I get triggered, I reach out to friends. I found a tapping group and learned how to use tapping effectively. I discovered that tapping brought my trauma to the surface where I could see and acknowledge it, then release pent up feelings.

Vigilance is work. Tools require remembering to use them. I wished for flow. I wanted more.

Maura McCarley Torkildson

Recognizing the courage to be here

Bottom line, being human can be very challenging. We need stability and belonging. We need all those things Maslow identified on his triangle for reaching peak state. Those things are not guaranteed in this world. Loss hurts, it can be excruciating. We can easily become inured in a pattern of traumatized response to events in our life, sapping our natural joy.

And yet, I have experienced salvation so many times and so many ways. Salvation is the reminder that I am always whole, always nested in the Divine, no matter what happens here in 3D world.

The human in me struggles, will likely always struggle. I have great compassion for her. Discomfort IS the path to growth, our soul’s mission here. It’s not easy. I envision us as excited spirits descending into the womb for this experience of 3D life. Coming out of the womb a shock, as the realization of where we’ve landed hits. I imagine us screaming at God, the cries of the newborn, No…I want to go back home, but please don’t make me die to get there!

It takes great courage to be here. I think we all long for our home. The level of trauma on this planet has led us astray into perceived disconnection. I am not sure where it all began, but I am convinced it was born of trauma. Yet bliss is always right there beside us too, if only we remember to be present to it.

Enter Mama Anaconda

Mama Anaconda slithered into my visionary state. I dreamt of her a year before – an unforgettable dream that stuck with me. In that dream, she undulated her way into my bed, slid along one side of my body, around my head and down the other. I never felt frightened. I felt embraced. She made her home in my room. I knew she had chosen me for a reason. I knew I was hers.

Fast forward to my vision. Mama Anaconda arrived in technicolor vibrations matching the Digeridoo playing in the background. Surrounded by a vibrating rainbow of color, she slithered up a magnificent tree much like she had slithered along my body in my dream. Here in my vision, the reality of her more powerfully present.

Earlier in this same visionary state, I saw the structure of our lives crumbling, dissolving quickly around us. We are in the midst of collapse. I have known this for a while. This awareness is also a source of my trauma. My love for the beauty of this world and its creatures runs deep. I grieve each loss on our planetary scale extinction.

Messages from Mama Anaconda

To my grief, Anaconda said, “It is only the changing of skin,” then showed me the black viscous fluid of life force. Impossible to fully capture with words, this fluid always moves and is at the same time always completely still. A black void creating vibrating form along its edges, it makes crusts of light and color which grow and dissolve, expand and crumble as it vibrates outwards. It constantly creates a skin of light and then constantly breaks through it. I watch with awe and calm.

Next, she showed me insects and lizards shedding their skins. She showed me planets and galaxies forming and disintegrating. She said, “This is the way. Change, destruction is just a shedding of skin, nothing to be concerned about.”

I felt Her Love, I soak in it. Her love calms my trauma, soothes the grieving child in me. Creation is forever creating, and creation destroys as it creates. She exists always within everything. She is within us and we are within her. Form is ephemeral. She is eternal. I am eternal too if eternally changing.

My inner knowing is my faith. I forget to remember my faith from time to time. Salvation has come to me repeatedly in my life. Each time in different form, but always the same. I am steeped in Love, as are you.

Key book companions along the way

These are some resources that have supported me:

Daring Greatly – Brene Brown

Rising Strong – Brene Brown

The Spell of the Sensuous – David Abrams

The Body Keeps Score – Bessel Van Der Kolk

Bridging Heaven & Earth: A Return to The One – Leonard Jacobsen

Women in Praise of the Sacred – Jane Hirshfield (Editor)

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek – Annie Dillard

The Fall – Steve Taylor

Return of the Divine Sophia – Tricia McCannon

The Presence of the Past – Rupert Sheldrake

The Lens of Perceptions – Hal Zina Bennett

The Once & Future Goddess – Elinor Gadon

About Maura McCarley Torkildson

Maura McCarley Torkildson is an author, speaker, artist, intuitive and coach. She is the founder of Maura Torkildson Coaching and she supports clients to fully embody their intuition, embrace emotions as guidance for living and to overcome barriers to self-trust. From a place of self-trust, clients can create with abandon. Maura mentors clients through expressing their unique talents through writing, art or workbooks. She is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and has an M.A. in Women’s Spirituality from New College of California. Her artwork has been exhibited in both the U.S. and Malta. Find her at www.mauratorkildsoncoaching.com or on Facebook.

Photograph attribution as follows and used with permission and thanks.

Images 5, 8 – Maura McCarley Torkildson
Images 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7 – Fotolia.com

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intuition personality and story reading notes

Intuition: how to understand and master it – a review of ‘The Inner Tree’ by Maura McCarley Torkildson

January 10, 2019

Want to understand and enhance your intuition? The book ‘The Inner Tree’ will help you with the science, experience and practice of intuition. Read on!

Einstein wrote, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind its faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

from The Inner Tree by Maura McCarley Torkildson, Foreword by Randy Fauver PhD

As a personality type practitioner with INTJ preferences and Introverted Intuition as my lead cognitive process, intuition is an area I have explored personally and professionally. But intuition always retains its mystical qualities even though I use it all the time. Learning to trust and understand intuition and how it works remains a challenge. Carl Jung said of the Introverted Intuitive:

So the introverted intuitive has in a way a very difficult life, although one of the most interesting lives, but it is often difficult to get into their confidence.

C.G. Jung Speaking: Interviews and Encounters p311

I can vouch for that. Anyone who is very intuitive – introverted or extraverted in orientation – will know that intuition continues to feel mysterious and hard to pin down. And for those who are not naturally intuitive, I am sure working with intuition can feel even more mysterious.

So I was very grateful to receive Maura McCarley Torkildson’s excellent new book ‘The Inner Tree: Discovering the Roots of Your Intuition and Overcoming Barriers to Mastering It‘. It is a fascinating read, shedding light on intuition from a range of perspectives including evidence-based ones. Here are some thoughts on the book’s key focus and value for those interested in exploring intuition further.

The evidence about intuition

The book commences with a foreword by Randy Fauver, PhD, Professor and Researcher in Consciousness Studies and Integrative Medicine. This insightful piece both stands alone and sets the context for Maura’s book beautifully. It highlights that intuition is about mastering and developing intuitive abilities but also about understanding the science and contexts for its practice.

Randy Fauver explains lessons around inner life, signals and synchronicity and provides stories of intuition in practice. But it was the evidence and research-based information about intuition that I found so fascinating. Linking in with ‘The Inner Tree‘, the central image of intuition in the book, Fauver explores scientific support for nature, shamanic healing and unifying states of consciousness.

The most exciting part of his foreword is about the science of non-ordinary ways of receiving intuitive information. He explains three key ways we might receive intuitive information: the pineal gland in the brain, the heart and the gut.

Reading through, it all made sense. For example, we talk about “gut reaction”, “having a gut feeling”, and “not being able to stomach something”. The scientific reasons why this might be so are explained with supporting research. There are more receptors for emotions in the gut than anywhere else. No wonder we perceive things in this way so directly. However, as Fauver explains, we often doubt our reactions because they don’t align with cultural concepts of perceiving, especially Western ones.

The mystery and science of intuition

The most mindblowing part of the foreword is a discussion about memory at a cellular level. Fauver cites “numerous accounts of organ transplant recipients experiencing changes in their personality that coincide with the characteristics of the organ donor.” (Fauver, 2018: xxxi, in Torkildson, 2018). As an example, an eight-year-old receiving a heart from a ten-year-old girl who was murdered is able to assist police to identify the male attacker of the girl who died. The evidence she provides aligns with the murderer’s confession.

These insights helped me get a better handle on intuition at its most mysterious from both a scientific and practical perspective. Knowing that intuition involves these three key receptors: brain, heart and gut was so enlightening. I also gained a stronger understanding of the challenges of working with intuition because of the cultural overlays we operate in. As Fauver says in closing:

All science can do is to strengthen your belief in the existence of intuition; Maura’s book can lead you to directly experience the incredible power of intuition.

With many references sprinkled throughout this outstanding book, I look forward to reading more of the scientific studies cited.

The practice of intuition

With the scene set, we launch further into Maura’s gift of a book on the practice of intuition. Her focus is on the lived experience of developing intuition. She also provides insights into the barriers we can face in developing intuition and how to overcome them. The cultural bias to not trust our intuition, especially in western society, looms large as a background issue. It explains why we can find experiencing and talking about intuition so challenging. As Maura says in her preface:

Nowhere in my life was I ever urged to look inside myself for truth. (p.xxxvii)

My life transition has encouraged me to embrace my intuition via tarot and oracle work as a practice of wholeness. This started because of feeling half-hearted in areas of my life especially the more corporate ones. Maura has also found that feeling empty led her to look inward. Creativity, coaching and listening to signs as guides emerge as key aspects opening her up more to intuition.

Understanding intuition and tools to work with it

Maura discusses the Tree of Life and symbolism of The Inner Tree to explain this need to go inward. She explores this from the perspective of experience, myth and meditation. There are meditation practices and activities to help apply the learning. She outlines the steps of embracing intuition:

With intuition, the secret is to notice it; second, is to trust it is real; and third, is to take the risk of acting on it (which deepens your trust). (p9)

Maura discusses many practical issues: grounding, presence awareness, patience, flow and joy. These are emotions and processes I have also experienced on my intuitive journey. Having a framework, language and practice for making meaning from them is so powerful.

‘The Clairs’ are discussed: clairsentience, clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairgustance, claircognizance and claircreative. All different psychic abilities, they are examples of how information can present itself in our experience of intuition. It is valuable to reflect on how we might be receiving information as a way of understanding and honouring intuition.

Barriers to the development of our inner tree of intuition are explored including the emotional body, grief and shame, working with shadows and managing fear and ego. Practising working with our emotions in various ways is shown as central to opening ourselves up to intuition. Practical tools for working through this are generously provided including Presence Awareness Meditations (with audio links), Body Awareness Practices and Body Maps.

Maura shares her “unconventional” experience of a fairy ally appearing in a matter of fact and accepting way, saying this is how it is. (This story is included in Mystical Interludes II – review coming soon.) She also provides tools for working with the shadow side of life such as jealousy, fear and the ego emphasising their role in intuition and wholeness.

Building our intuitive muscle

The final section of the book bringing all of this together into holistic practices. The mystery of intuition sits side by side with the scientific evidence presented:

The universe works in mysterious ways and we don’t usually have the whole picture. (p149)

Developing trust in our intuition emerges as a key practice as does trusting the ways we choose to connect with it. Tools and practices such as curiosity, journaling, working with others, connecting with the gifts of nature, synchronicity and oracles are all ways to build intuitive muscle. The process is described as one of relationship and connection as well as strengthening the practice.

‘The Inner Tree‘ helped me make sense of my evolving intuitive practice. Even as a personality strength, it’s something I have struggled to understand and own. My experience is of developing intuition day in and day out, sharing it with others and sifting through my feelings about it all. The strangeness in thinking I can provide intuitive insights for myself and others via sharing Tarot and Oracle work has been a key barrier to work through. Not to mention, pushing through thoughts of what others might think about it!

I have learnt to trust that my work makes sense on another level beyond me. And I have learnt to trust that not having the whole picture is perfectly fine. On a day to day level, it makes sense and helps me make meaning of my life and creative practice as it evolves. And if my work can help others on their journey, then why not share what I learn?

The Inner Tree – support for intuitive practice

So I am very grateful for ‘The Inner Tree’ and the rich wisdom within it. It’s the first time I have read a detailed account of the science and practice of intuition. Maura sensitively articulates the mysteries she has experienced into a soulful framework we can work with. This is such valuable support for developing intuition.

With its combination of science and practice, ‘The Inner Tree‘ is a resource for understanding intuition as a skill and way of absorbing information. It provides the language, structure and reference points for its practice. In this way, it helps us make sense of experience and build knowledge of how to grow intuitive skills.

‘The Inner Tree’ is a gentle handbook and companion for entering these mysteries with its mix of science and experience. It’s helpful for those who find intuition is not a natural preference. It is insightful too for people who prefer intuition but appreciate support to make sense of how it works. Some people might find the science a bit much; others might find the spiritual dimensions a bit much. But it is the strength of the two taken together as a thread throughout this book that is its key value. Hopefully, everyone can shift a little from where they are in reading it.

Wherever you are on the journey of working with intuition, ‘The Inner Tree‘ offers insight and wisdom for further navigating this journey. There are scientific papers to discover and chase up. You will read about intuitive sources of information you might be excited to recognise and explore. There are numerous practices you can embed further into your life to bring your intuition alive. This book is a welcome addition to the literature on intuition and personality and to the practical genre of self-discovery and self-leadership writing.

Thought pieces + footnotes

Maura McCarley Torkildson, M.A. is an author, speaker, artist, intuitive and Soul Creativity Support Mentor at MauraTorkildsonCoaching.com

The book is available at: ‘The Inner Tree: Discovering the Roots of Your Intuition and Overcoming Barriers to Mastering It‘.

Maura Torkildson has shared her Wholehearted Story on Tackling Trauma with Empathy and Vision on Quiet Writing. Hop over to read!

The Inner Tree was provided as a review copy by the author in return for a fair review and sharing of it. I am grateful to Maura McCarley Torkildson and Citrine Publishing for sharing this book with me.

My thanks too to Peter Geyer for assistance with the wording and reference for the Carl Jung quote.

Via Amazon.com.au:
The Inner Tree: Discovering the Roots of Your Intuition and Overcoming Barriers to Mastering It

Via Amazon.com:

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Via Amazon.co.uk:

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You might also enjoy:

Intuition, writing and work: eight ways intuition can guide your creativity

Introverted and extraverted intuition: how to make intuition a strong practice

Being a vessel – or working with introverted intuition

Overwhelm, intuition and thinking

When the inner voice calls, and calls again – my journey to wholehearted living

Music, intuition and messages of songs

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Sign up to get my free 10 Tips for Creating More Meaning and Purpose in Your Life – a Personal Action Checklist! (See below.) Plus you’ll receive monthly Beach Notes with updates and inspiring resources from Quiet Writing. This includes writing, personality type, coaching, creativity, tarot, productivity and ways to express your unique voice in the world.

Quiet Writing is on Facebook and Instagram – keep in touch and interact with the growing Quiet Writing community. Look forward to connecting with you and inspiring your wholehearted story!

Maura McCarley Torkildson

Tackling trauma and ‘not enough’ with empathy and vision – a wholehearted story

The trauma of not enough

Trauma and clairsentience – a fraught combination

The path to embracing my unique gifts and challenges

Understanding trauma

Becoming vigilant and shifting my consciousness

Recognizing the courage to be here

Enter Mama Anaconda

Messages from Mama Anaconda

Key book companions along the way

Read more Wholehearted Stories

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

Like this:

Intuition: how to understand and master it – a review of ‘The Inner Tree’ by Maura McCarley Torkildson

Einstein wrote, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind its faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

The evidence about intuition

The mystery and science of intuition

The practice of intuition

Understanding intuition and tools to work with it

Building our intuitive muscle

The Inner Tree – support for intuitive practice

Thought pieces + footnotes

You might also enjoy:

Keep in touch

Like this:

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Maura McCarley Torkildson

The trauma of not enough

Trauma and clairsentience – a fraught combination

The path to embracing my unique gifts and challenges

Understanding trauma

Becoming vigilant and shifting my consciousness

Recognizing the courage to be here

Enter Mama Anaconda

Messages from Mama Anaconda

Key book companions along the way

Read more Wholehearted Stories

Keep in touch + free ebook ’36 Books that Shaped my Story’

Share this:

Like this:

Einstein wrote, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind its faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

The evidence about intuition

The mystery and science of intuition

The practice of intuition

Understanding intuition and tools to work with it

Building our intuitive muscle

The Inner Tree – support for intuitive practice

Thought pieces + footnotes

You might also enjoy:

Keep in touch

Share this:

Like this:

PRIVACY POLICY

COOKIE POLICY

Instagram